Monday, September 15, 2008

An Open Letter to Sarah Palin from Stella [translated and transcribed by Jimmy]

"Hey Sarah. Look, I really have to get something off my chest. Hold on a sec, would you? [Licks left paw and slicks back tuft of hair on head.] Ok, sorry. God, I'm thirsty. Tim!! Tim!! Tim!!! Refill my water bowl! Yeah, like now!! I want that shit full by the time I get done with this, ok?! Yeah, bitch, thanks. Anyway, sorry Sarah Palin.

So! I hear that you are afraid of cats. I saw it on one of my favorite blogs, and I just think that is hilarious. I mean, you can bite the face off a moose but a mere kittycat bothers you?? If you can't stare down a cat how can you stare down Putin? Or a dog? Or a pig with lipstick on it? Or Nancy Pelosi? Hold on. [flips head to get bulbous yet benign cyst behind left ear out of field of vision.]

Sorry. That thing is about to drive me f**king crazy. Tim!! Tim!!! Goddamn it, TIIIIM!!!!! Bring me that thing!! That thing, you know what I'm talking about!! The thing with the doohickey on the top of it!! Dizzy queer. And a vodka tonic!! No f**kng Aristocrat, either, you cheap MFer. [throws up.]

Anyway, sorry, Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin, I just need to say, you are an inspiration to women, that is clear, because I read it on a blog. I've also heard Tim saying that you're not, which naturally means that you are, because, I love him, but that boy is full of shit. But, hear me Sarah Palin, I really think your silly aversion to cats might undercut your appeal to the crazy old cat lady demographic. That demographic, Sarah Palin, is HUGE. And wide open, because Obama has done nothing to lock it up. So tread lightly. You might think of doing a press availability at the SPCA. Hold on. [Looks at the wall. Looks up. Looks down. Eyes widen. Stares into space.] Oh, shit, sorry. Forgot you were there. [Tim sets vodka tonic down in front of her.] It's about time. Jesus, did you harvest the potatoes yourself?

Anyway, Sarah Palin, we cats may be idiosyncratic. We may see things that aren't actually there and throw up substances that make a person truly believe in Hell. But we are a part of this democracy, and many voters love us. So show some respect, Sarah Palin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to give myself a bath before finishing this vodka and inexplicably going to stand in the corner to look up at the ceiling longingly. Take heed, my bitch."

No comments: