Sarah Palin Gives Me a Reason to Blog Again

Wow, guys, I haven't posted in over two months. How busy/lazy can one person be? The answer is: hella busy/lazy. (Are people still saying "hella"? Cause I'm not planning to stop.)

Anyhoo, the longer one goes without blogging, the easier it is for one to continue not blogging, until one hasn’t blogged in over two months and both of your readers are on 24-hour suicide watch. So it’s a good thing that dingbat Republican screecher Sarah Palin is back in the news, because, as we all know, all bloggers are legally obligated to blog about Our Lady Palin whenever she, say, emerges from her Facebook cave with a new nonsensical sermon about freedom and moose chili and how much the baby Jesus loves freedom and moose chili (and white people who are constantly having babies and getting divorced). We are also legally obligated to blog about famous idiots in the news, especially famous idiots who've just inked book deals, so ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, I’LL RESURRECT THE BLOG, JEEZ.

So, Sarah Palin, Alaska’s dumbest librarian, has just inked a new book deal—that is the big news of the day, because our world is sad. She’ll be typing out a manuscript on her iPhone (it will be mostly emoticons) called A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas, which will arrive in stores next November, just in time for the War on Christmas, yay! Of course, because this is a Palin book (probably copyedited by Bristol), it will be written at a second-grade level, so even though it’s not technically a kid’s book, functionally it most certainly will be. (And the children of U.S. America rejoice/roll their eyes.)

“But Tim,” I can hear you interjecting rudely. “Sarah Palin is yesterday’s news, isn’t she? A tired old troll. Worn out and used up. Who cares that she’s writing a book?” The answer is, of course, the Internet. The Internet cares. Also, anyone who’s been worried about how Sarah’s gonna keep her pantry stocked with bottomless supplies of Taco Bell and curly fries now that she’s no longer sucking on that bloated Fox News teat. A lady gotta make ends meet!

The obvious response to this from the famously liberal NYC publishing establishment would be for some enterprising pinko acquisitions editor somewhere in midtown or whatever to offer a book deal to Michelle Obama’s bangs, and to be quick about it. We’ll need that book in stores by November, because otherwise we’ll lose our f-ing minds.

Sarah Palin Needs Some Attention, You Guys

Okay, okay, Sarah, we understand that you are feeling a little bit ignored these days, what with Mitt Romney off saying dumb shit all over the "small island" of England, which is what you should be doing! It's not fair, truly. Obviously, if Jesus hadn't been murdered by Obama in November 2008 you might be making these foreign trips as the current Vice President, rearing your head at 10 Downing Street and Buckingham Palace and Harrod's and Hogwarts. So how are you supposed to maintain your relevance when the only people paying attention to you are the house-bound hoveround ALL CAPS EMAIL crowd who are constantly fapping to the photo albums on your Facebook page?

The answer is you must choose the latest culture war battle and visit the troops on the field! So get yourself and your dumb husband down to the Chick-Fil-A, where all the best Christian soldiers get their waffle fries, and have one of your poor kids snap a picture of you proudly holding just-purchased bags of delicious stomach cancer so that you can upload it and catapult yourself back into the national conversation about gay marriage and fried chicken sandwiches. Pay attention to Sarah, everybody!

So here's a picture of Sarah Palin being a sassy bitch. War photography by Piper Palin.

Rush Limbaugh Is A F**king Pussy

Oh, aren't you all just sick and tired of hearing about bloated reptilian taintsack Rush Limbaugh? I know, I know, he's just gross and not really worth expending any typing energy on. (Save those fingertips for Sarah Palin, I always say.) And if this were any normal boring "Rush Limbaugh said a bunch of dumb bullshit using his special patented brand of special-needs satire" I wouldn't even be typing right now. But the fact that Rush Limbaugh is such a f**king pussy makes me want to type that phrase over and over and over.

As you no doubt know, Rush called a Georgetown law student a "slut" and a "prostitute" because she wants health plans to be required to cover contraceptives, for various reasons. Rush, because he doesn't really understand how lady parts work, thinks that this student, Sandra Fluke, just wants the government to pay for her and her friends' sexytime, all the time, and also seems to think that every time a lady has the sex she must put a pill into her vag. (I'm told on good authority this is not true!)

So whatever, he called this nice young lady some ridiculous names and the shit predictably hits the fan, as usual. But the most annoying thing about this whole episode--besides the fact that we must dwell on a figure of such Biblical monstrosity as this vulgar radio commentator pig who is so flush with cash he could live anywhere but decides to live in fucking FLORIDA--is that, when he's forced to apologize by his advertisers and by Clear Channel or whatever, he can't even do it like a man. He can't just fess up and say "sorry, I was a total asshole, I regret it, I hope you can forgive me." No, he has to twist his apology into a limp attack on "the left," whoever they are (Radiohead?). Read this idiocy:

"I don't expect, and I know you don't either, morality or intellectual honesty from the left," he said. "...This is the mistake I made: in fighting them on this issue last week, I became like them. Against my own instincts, against my own knowledge, against everything I know to be right and wrong, I descended to their level. I feel very badly about that."

Yeah. What a f**king lame-ass mother**ker. "Sorry, It's "the left"'s fault, because of bad morals/slutz." Pitiful. I thought Republicans were the party of personal responsibility. But really, have they ever fessed up to anything that they've done? ANYTHING? Have we even heard George W. Bush's name uttered at any of the 1,079 Republican presidential debates? No, because who's that? Holy shitsnacks. Rush Limbaugh is a three-year-old saying "Not me!" What a tired piece of trash.

In conclusion, this man has had four wives. Women have f**ked him. Sweet dreams.

Also, I've had vodka tonight.

Right-Wing Trannie Ann Coulter Loves Right-Wing Blacks

Ann Coulter is the right wing's #1 trannie. She is also Fox News's #1 trannie, the Internet's #1 trannie, and the #1 trannie of nine out of ten dentists (that other guy prefers Orly Taitz). Anyway, when a top-tier aging right-wing trannie talks about black folks, people listen. Because it's bound to be hilarious.

So Ann claims that "our blacks" are so much better than "their blacks", which is self-evidently true, because, come on, Herman Cain? Alan Keyes? Allen West? These are grade-A, top-shelf super-blacks who are not at all crazy or dumb or in any way sociopathic. There's also Michael Steele, who has the best porn name in American politics, though he's disappointingly coherent and likable. But still, he's ten times better than "their blacks" because he tastes like dark, small government chocolate.

In conclusion, Ann Coulter's neck still, even after all these years, looks like the shaft of an erect penis.

A Final Comment on America's Snowbilly Sweetheart

Many of my readers have been asking me, "Tim, why haven't you commented on the shocking news that quitter Sarah Palin is quitting the GOP race she was never in?" Well, I'm heartbroken, obviously. The primary so far has been completely lacking in maniacal gerund use, word soup, and tragicomic campaign bus magic, and Sarah Palin was our last hope for any of that. I mean, really, even Rick Perry isn't going to have the balls to say something like "I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree."

It's a tragedy. Especially for me, because as you might remember, I secured the first interviews with Governor Palin before Charles Gibson and Katie Couric got their talons on her, before we even knew she liked to say "you betcha" and "terrrrrists" and "Bill Ayerrrrrrrs" and all that dumb garbage all the time, forever. So I know Palin on a much deeper level than anyone else, including Greta van Susteren. The woman I met and chatted with back then has really made a lot of money/spread her wings like a proud eagle and flown. Right into traffic. On the top of a bus. It's depressing that she's giving up the dream of becoming our first white trash Grifter-in-Chief. Who are we turn to, for freedom?

Maybe this clown?

Gross

We all know Donald Trump is an odious toad. We've known that for a long time. But he was a sideshow, a cartoon bag of ugly that emerged every so often to promote his dumb (but sometimes alluring!) teevee show and "fire" somebody from a stupid non-existent job of being a tool. It's only recently that we've all had to reevaluate our relationship with this man-sized herpe. And we all hate him now. And hatred brings you to a place where you just can't believe you ever put up with a person, right? Like you can't believe you voluntarily looked at this person on a television screen.

But it was only the above photo of this orange wrinkled old troll that made me finally understand the essence of the person we've been blindly subjecting ourselves to all this time. Doesn't it make you feel molested? Like you can feel the rush of a ferocious STD running through your veins? Like you are just ready to shit and throw up at the same time?

Yes, it does.

Screechy Sarah Palin Screeches Her Way Through a Preview for What Will Surely Be the Screechiest Show in Teevee History

It's a shame for Sarah Palin that screeches aren't made of $100 bills because if they were she wouldn't even have to do the little amount of work she does to make a living--she could just chill by her waterin' hole back in Wasilla and whenever she needed money for the moose jerky vending machine or the Updo's 'n Don'ts Hair Salon she could just screech out one of her meaningless (and patented!) collections of gerunds into the air and then go cash them suckers in.

What I'm saying is good GOD this show looks teeth-gnashingly awful. Like, even worse than Outsourced.

My favorite moment: when screechy Sarah screeches out the following screech: "HOW COME WE CAN'T EVER JUST BE SATISFIED WITH TRANQUILITY???!!!"

YES, LAMESTREAM MEDIA AND BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE TRANQUIL AND LOW-KEY LIKE SNOWBILLY SARAH???!!!

Political Leakage Dept: Promotional Video for Sarah Palin's New Book!

Folks, does the sound of Sarah Palin's inane twaddle, spat in that god-awful mean girl yelp, make you want to, one by one, jab a whole can of peanuts in both ears, while crying? Does it make you want to grab your cat and run its claws down the chalkboard in your living room so as to drown out the horror? Also, does her Twitter account make you wish the Internet had never been invented by Al Gore?

In short, does Sarah Palin's whiny, grating, hella bitchy snarl of voice make you reflexively want to go back to high school and smack that bitch you hated in the face with a rubber chicken? Repeatedly?

And when you heard she has a new book coming out, did you consider eating your own face off?

This video is for you. Watch to the end, not just because it gets majestic but also because if you make it through the whole thing you earn a Cub Scout merit badge for carpentry/masochism.

Thanks to the Primitives for the music.

Drug-Addled Pennywise the Clown Now Stumbling Through Germany

As you may remember, Pennywise the child-eating clown was recently seen in Pakistan being horrific and terrible. Well, he's obviously finished his tour of South Asia for the time being and is now bounding through the lands of the former Holy Roman Empire. He's drunk, high, hopped up on quaaludes, and saddled with a ferocious case of the munchies, so achtung, kinder!!

Pennywise the Clown Alive, Well, and Living in Pakistan

This poor kid. He just wants to sell some balloons so he can buy some candy. And who decides to make an appearance? Pennywise the Clown, eater of children.

Jesus. Life in Pakistan is hard enough without some subterranean shape shifter whose favorite costume is some Ringling Bros. one-piece he picked up in 1918 shows up and starts spouting a bunch of gibberish like "everything floats down here" or some bullshit.

I'm just gonna say it. Pennywise is a terrorist.

When is Obama gonna kill him with a drone?

Trig Palin's Mother is F*cking Retarded

Poor Trig. His mother's not getting enough attention this week. Maybe she needs a bottle?

As you have probably heard, Trig Palin's mother, who used to be a governor or something and who now does Facebook posts for a living, recently did a Facebook post calling on President Obama to fire his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel because Rahm--our favorite potty-mouthed silver fox at the White House--called liberals who are determined to primary Blue Dog Democrats "fucking retarded." Momma is outraged that Rahm would utter such a deliberate slur against her son.

Now, Trig Palin's mother's son Trig has Downs Syndrome and, bless his heart, now he has to go through the indignity of seeing his own mother make a comparison between Rahm's put-down and his good self. But why does she automatically think that the metaphorical use of the word "retarded" to describe Democrats has anything to do with her son? She must think he's a retard. (Or a Democrat?)

Rahm has now apologized for the comment, but Trig's mother ain't done. In her next Facebook post, which will be typed by Willow once she sobers up, Trig Palin's mother will demand that David Axelrod resign as chief advisor because of that time in high school when he called a girl a slut, which is obviously a dig at her daughter Bristol.

Horrifying Kewpie Doll Chorus Tells Tokyo Shopper He Must Kill Hello Kitty

The famous Hello Kitty-Kewpie Doll rivalry has obviously gone off the rails. Kewpie, the more sinister of the two beloved cute-zilla monsters, is now upping the ante, enlisting the help of emotionally unbalanced but available fans to do its dirty work, as seen in the chilling image above of a Kewpie coterie in Tokyo hypnotizing a devoted follower with mesmeric chants of demonic and adorable evil.

This Kitty-Kewpie meow-fight is like Itchy and Scratchy multiplied by Bette Davis/Joan Crawford to the power of Sarah Palin/Katie Couric.

And Kewpie is obviously taking its cues from Ms. Palin.

Guess Jimmy and I Will Have to Go Ahead and Cancel That Big Gay Trip to Uganda

Well, this is disappointing to say the least. Listen up, New York gays. I know you're down in the dumps about marriage equality being voted down by an otherwise completely unproductive state senate, but think of it this way: at least those tedious zombies in Albany don't (openly) wish to put us to death, yay!

If you believe in the "doth protest too much" theory of gay leanings (so to speak), then naturally you're under the impression that the entire country of Uganda is just chock full of self-hating homos. That's sad, but who cares about them? What about the Ugandan homos who have the nerve to NOT hate themselves (like this fella)? Well, if this bill is passed, they will be thrown in jail for life or maybe put to death, who knows?

Worse, y'all: This bill has broad support among the Ugandan public. And it affects more than just gays. If you know a gay and don't tell the authorities, you are guilty, so fess up queer-lover.

Worser, y'all: three noted American evangelicals who are active in the ex-gay movement (so to speak) are tied up in this mess. Read this.

Worser still, y'all: Rick Warren, the smug author of The Purpose-Driven Life that all of our mothers love and who has strong ties to Uganda's evangelical community, has refused to denounce this terrible bill, saying "The fundamental dignity of every person, our right to be free, and the freedom to make moral choices are gifts endowed by God, our creator. However, it is not my personal calling as a pastor in America to comment or interfere in the political process of other nations."

So basically, Rick Warren believes in the fundamental dignity of every person but doesn't want to speak out against dignified gays being killed by their government because that would be meddling. Hmmm. I wonder how he felt about the "political process" known as apartheid in South Africa in the '80s. Do you think he felt comfortable speaking out against that? And how about honor killings in the Muslim world? Does he not want to choose sides in that civilized debate?

In conclusion, Rick Warren is a hog and Uganda has forever forfeited its claim to my sexy gay tourist dollars, so there.

Oh Look, Who Cares?

And now for something completely boring: inflatable flesh-sack and winner of the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Smelling of Balls Karl Rove, George W. Bush's official underwear sniffer and political strategist (in that order!) is writing a book. It's title? No, it's not Sodomy: A Primer. It's even more unlikely: Courage and Consequence. These two words, of course, lose all of their meaning when typed into a computer by a demonic clown like Rove, so beware: many many many words will completely lose their meanings for us humans when this Fantasia of Fistulas is released next March. We will have to get by by talking through our buttholes, the way Karl Rove has taught us.

(Hey hippies: think of the trees that will give their lives to bring this book to print. Now cry.)

This book will not be fact checked because who gives a shit?

Rodent-faced Dungeon Master Rudy Giuliani Making This Great Horned Owl Hungry

Good news, fans of the cuniculus undead: rat-faced troll Rudy Giuliani is doing the media rounds (well, the Fox media round) to complain about the Obama administration's plans to hold New York trials for the 9/11 conspirators. You'll be shocked to find out that after the World Trade Center Bombing in 1993, he held a completely different view! Watch this Daily Show clip, for proof:

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But that's not the biggest Giuliani news. SeeTimBlog can now confirm that the former NYC mayor's rodent-like face, oily outer coat, and long serpentine tail are making the above Great Horned Owl from Texas extremely hungry.

After seeing Giuliani's verminous face on Fox News, the owl was heard remarking to himself in the trees "God, I feel like I haven't eaten in freaking months after seeing that delicious piece of hell trash."

The owl went on to say that he hadn't seen "such a good looking plate of weasel relish since the '08 Republican presidential primary."

After being pressed, the owl did admit that it's their complete lack of self awareness that makes Republicans more tasty.

A Halloween Message

Happy Trick or Treating, kids. (Watch out for clowns.)

New Fun Thing: Clownz!

You remember when you were a kid and you spent countless nights awake for hours in a cold sweat, laying in your bed, listening to the approaching footsteps of the maniacal, murderous escaped circus clown who is about to knock lightly on your door before letting himself in and eating you with cutlery that he brought himself? Those were the days, no?

If you were anything like me as an impressionable, spooked child, your mom was constantly giving you terrible clowns as presents--dolls, framed pictures, figurines--because she felt you didn't have enough horrifying neuroses to occupy yourself with and really wanted to give you one that would stick with you. WELL GUESS WHAT, MOM!!! I STILL SHIVER WHEN I SEE A RINGLING BROS. ADVERTISEMENT!!!

Ahem. Anyway, I love clowns, as you all do. And while searching around today for that hot "2 clowns 1 cup" viral video i heard about on Twatter, I came upon clownz.com, a fun site with pages like Clowns in the News, Fun with Clowns (clown-themed humor), Stories from You, and my favorite, Threatening Letters, where I found this week's candidate for Epistle of the Week, in which a certain clown-sympathizer has taken umbrage at the site's celebration of the horrorfication of the once-respected and not-at-all creepy figure of the clown. Here's a taste:

My name is Jim Ray. While searching the internet for links to clowning-related pages, I was confonted with your page, and to say the least, I was extremely offended by your website... Now WAIT--before you go off and take this as a complete complaint, I want you to know that I KNOW you have (1) the right to expression, and (2) the right, frankly, to not like clowns. But literally thousands of children DO like clowns, and search for the word "Clowns" every day. While you do have the right to expression, you do not have the right slanderize the entire clowning industry, nor any particular "clown" therein.

This guy is pissed, and for good reason. Clowns are the last minority it's okay to hate. (Except for fags and fatties.) It's the civil rights issue of our generation. And I think the movement has found its leader.

One day soon the phrase "clown f*cker" will be a compliment.