This Picture on the Subway, Believe It Or Not, Is an Ad For a News Broadcast

Not for a furniture store or a tight sleeveless blouse shop or a push-up bra boutique. For a news broadcast. For Pix 11 News at 10, to be specific. And who's that alluring woman with the prominently featured arms and boobage? She's Jodi Applegate, a porn name, obviously. And what is Jodi doing, besides standing next to that chair lookin' good, that has anything to do with the news? Well, she's obviously thinking very hard about the news. (And bon bons.) Is she thinking about the uprising in Libya? The Newt Gingrich flameout? The debt ceiling? Maybe. But the overall impression left by this advertisement, let's face it, is clear.

Jodi Applegate is going to sit in that chair and fuck the news. Live.

Of course, there are men on this news program, too, because otherwise how would people take it seriously?



Let these obviously capable guys handle the "reading" and the "banter" and the "holding things" and the "electronics"--all very important parts of a news program. That's fine, it's what dudes do. But leave the fuckin' to Jodi.

I think it would indicate a stronger news broadcast, though, if Jodi was standing next to a stripper pole and holding a dildo.

A Lot to Say a Little: New Fancy Feast Commercial

Um, what? I'm a fan of any commercial that features a cat being passed around, even if it's one of those irritating fluffy white cats that always feel so entitled. But this commercial is du-humb. It tells a tedious story of a gay dude asking his girlfriend to marry him in a cloyingly roundabout and precious way.

"Girl, don't do it, you know he's gay!" Jimmy said, because the commercial is long enough to have a plot for you to react to.

My point is that fluffy white cats sometimes get turds stuck in their butt fur.

Unsolicited Advice for Michael, the iTunes Gift Certificate Sample Recipient

You know, Apple usually has impeccable taste in commercials/promotions/whatever. They're always so well-played, hip but not too cloying. But I'm going to have to go ahead and call foul on the sample iTunes gift certificate they've put together to show customers how their message to the recipient will look. Because it's just weird. Brian apparently went to a party at Michael's house last night and had a great time, so naturally he decided that instead of writing Michael a nice message on his Facebook wall he'll buy him an iTunes gift certificate. Sure, that's fine. Brian also writes him a note:

Michael,

Thanks for the great party last night. The food was excellent as was the company. Here's a little gift to help you out with the next one.

Brian

So, Michael, I don't want to be the bringer of awkward news, but Brian wants to get in your pants, I'm thinking. He's flirty, he's complimentary, and he's bought you some free downloads (that's the "giving someone flowers" of the early 21st century) as a not-so-subtle way of suggesting you invite him to your next party, the naked one. And Michael, I'm really not just seeing what I want to see. I've talked about this with my friends Ruth and Mike, who tipped me off about this weird message when they bought me an iTunes gift certificate recently. So I'm, in turn, tipping you off. I'm only trying to help, Michael. Because there's nothing worse than having to face a dude showing up at your next party in a lycra top and Superman Underoos who clearly will not be let down easily. (Trust me, I've been there.) Don't say you weren't warned.

Kthxbye,

seetimblog

This California Republican Demon Sheep Hungers for Your Tasty Entrails

Surely everyone now has seen the hilarious/terrifying attack ad made by the Carly Fiorina campaign--for a U.S. Senate seat--that suggests that her Republican primary opponent for the California seat is a demon sheep who will eat your face. If you haven't, watch it now and get ready for a month of sleepless nights and/or terrible nightmares.

You will never recover from this.

(hat tip to Wonkette commenter John G. for the GIF)

Best Chat Line Commercial in All of U.S. History

You remember when you used to stay up late watching teevee rather than trolling the internet for sex robots? I miss those days. Well, the above video should really take you back. It is the best phone sex commercial ever produced. Not only can these girls dance and seductively flick their hair, they can also sing! You know, like Cindy Crawford could sing with Little Richard backing her up in that awesome Charlie perfume commercial from 1993.

Just try to watch this video and NOT spend the rest of the day atonally screaming "Pick up the phone!"

Ad Alley: Being White in America

I was just trolling the Internet for ninja headbands (really!) when I scrolled over this advertisement for Suntan Hyatt Hotels. Why can't ALL commercials be this awesome?

FIT Looking to Douche Up Its Student Body

Attention young readers who are also smug douches/failed reality show contestants that ride the subway: FIT wants you to bring your charming sense of entitlement to their classrooms. As this subway ad clearly shows, you may not have to be irritating and pretentious to attend, but it sure helps! And obviously your race or gender is not an issue, because women, men, blacks, whites, Asians, Latinos--anyone can be a dreary a**hole. So chop chop! Get yourself into some of your parents' grown-up clothes and get on down to the Fashion Institute of Technology, where a future full of nauseating the public with your tedious creativity awaits!

Advertising Alley: How Did Gwyneth Paltrow Get Stuck in a YouTube With All These Nobodies?

Hot new video here, which ostensibly is meant to make Americans abroad want to vote in the upcoming election (for Obama) and is NOT, I presume, meant to make you—a slobbering, knuckle-dragging American actually living in stupid America—want to throw up on your YouTubes. In that respect, readers, this mighty commercial has failed. Because I, for one, did want to throw up. Heaps. Even golden-haired Gwyneth Paltrow, who of course lives in London with her husband Prince Bono, cannot hide her irritation at being the only famous person featured in this ad. "I mean, couldn't they have tried to get Tina Turner?" Paltrow is surely thinking. "Doesn't she live in France or something?"

Now, I love Michelle Obama as much as the next guy and think it is EXTREMELY important to the history of the world that she be our next First Lady. BUT, I do share Paltrow's frustration with all these horrible common libtard types—living in communist countries like Buenos Aires and Paris and Rio and with not a single Academy Award to their name—just splattered all over this freaking TWO MINUTE COMMERCIAL. And never has my very soul cried out more desperately for a moratorium on ads lasting longer than 30 seconds. (Though that Evista commercial is a close second.) And making things worse, the ad has people talking over each other but saying the same thing again and again and again, which is usually the approach taken by commercials for new drugs. (Perfectly understandable; people actually do talk over each other and say the same things again and again and again when they are in need of new drugs.)

Share my misery by clicking on the above link, won't you?

What Does Ashton Kutcher Do In This Nikon D60 Commercial That Couldn't Be Done By a Monkey?

Ashton Kutcher is handsome. Sure. He looks good in a suit. Yes. Even a light gray suit. Ok. BUT. What does he do in this new Niko D60 commercial that, in all honesty, couldn't be accomplished by a trained monkey? He looks at his camera. He takes photos. He gives the thumbs up. He knocks over a bunch of champaign glasses. He--ugh--says "Boo Yah." All skills that can be easily acquired by any workaday primate. So why does Nikon insist on spending good money on a uselessly hot slab of meat like Kutcher?

You know, there are some really handsome monkeys out there that need jobs.

What Do the Dead-Eyed Zombie Ladies in the Evista Commercial Want From Me?

Are they after my cat? My Blondie CDs? My viola? My Pedro Almodovar box set? I don't know, but one thing is for certain: they want something and these women who are at risk of invasive breast cancer will not stop staring at me until they get it. But I won't give up easily.



Look, hot grandma, I don't care how creepily sexy you are. YOU CAN'T HAVE MY STUFF! NO! LOOK AT SOMEONE ELSE!



Good God, these women are relentless. Now they've moved things inside and are just popping out of doorways all over the place. Wait a minute. Mom? Is that you on the far right? For God's sake put some clothes on, you're embarrassing me!



Ok, you're kind of cute for a zombie, but--NO! MUST RESIST!



Madam, are you even alive? Jesus, try a little bit.



Ok! Ok! You can have Parallel Lines, AutoAmerican, and The Hunter, but NOT my Japanese edition of Eat to the Beat with the bonus tracks. No way. Get your own. Hell, I'll even throw in one of my old Adam Ant records on vinyl, if you want. And you can maybe have my cat Stella on every other Wednesday and Thursday, but that's the best I can do. Just. Stop. Staring. And for the love of God, no smiling.

Advertising Alley: Who is This Ad For?

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