Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Chat With Sarah Palin

Great news, ugly powerless losers who are also poor! Sarah Palin, the President of Babies, has arrived in our fair city of NYC, home of 9/11! She will be visiting the hated United Nations in order to learn the names of more countries that we might have to go to war with. She will also be teaching all the stodgy old men the secret Alaskan handshake. (Hint: it involves a caribou tail, night goggles, and the tuft of a newborn baby’s head.)

As you know, Sarah Palin is living proof to young girls everywhere that if you are cute enough, can read a teleprompter with minimal errors, and have forceful enough hand gestures, you too can force rape victims to pay for their rape kits in your hometown of Wasilla. Also, you can be plucked from obscurity to help your Grandpa lead the free world. That’s the magic of America.

Anyway, though Governor Palin is still in the midst of a record-breaking media blackout, she’s been really good about making herself available to See Tim Blog readers. And she has been good enough to agree to give a few pre-programmed answers to some of their more burning questions. I sat with her at the Chat ‘n Chew in Union Square and we, um, chatted as she chewed.

Governor Palin, thank you so much for sitting here and eating this massive mound of cheese fries with me. I do have to ask, though, because my readers are relying on me to bring them answers to some tough questions, what—specifically—do you bring to the table vis-à-vis American foreign policy?

Listen, Tom—


Sorry! Listen, Bill, the important thing for your readers to know is that Barack Obama wants to show porn to babies and teach sodomy to kindergarteners. That’s not change we can believe in.

But, Governor, aren’t you really just avoiding my question?

But Mark, do you really want such an angry woman with no real policy credentials in the White House?

Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I’m actually not a McCain-Palin supporter, but, yeah, you really took the words right out of my mouth.

I was talking about Michelle Obama.

Governor, is sexism an issue in this campaign and do you now have more empathy for what Hillary Clinton—who you had earlier implied was a whiner—faced in the Democratic primary?

Also, Dirk, energy independence. Drilling. Russia. And Georgia. NATO and our allies. Victory in Iraq. Afghanistan. Economic recovery. Bipartisanism. Defeat-o-crats. Venezuela. That's right. Venezuela. And Iran. Glass ceiling. Lipstick.

Thank you for your time, Governor.

You’re welcome, Anorak.

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