Santa Unable to Save Christmas This Year

Well, it's official. Christmas is officially ruined forever, thanks to the immense debt Santa and his wife have taken on in the past few years buying up x-boxes, Wiis, and stupid Elmo dolls for spoiled, truculent children the world over whose parents couldn't repay the loans and figured that Santa would just take care of it. Well guess what, dummies, Santa is only human, and he cannot be expected to just absorb your bad debts, like he was the US government or something.

Anyway, because his sleigh has been repossessed and most of his reindeer have died of starvation, now poor Santa and his lone remaining reindeer, Blitzen, have to use a complicated (but cheap) system of pulleys, wires, and harnesses to scale what were once—in better times—easily scalable buildings so they can get inside and deliver a bag full of depressing toys—like the window squeegee pictured above—to sad, desperate children who will just cry when they realize that the squeegee is all they're getting because their parents are complete and utter bankrupted failures.

Also, sleighless Santa has had to start his delivery two days early, which means, children, that the squeegees very possibly didn't have time to go through his usually rigorous safety testing and will no doubt fall apart when you get them wet, and may very well kill you since they're made of second-hand razor blades.

But look at the bright side: one of these years we'll look back on 2008 as the good old days.

The Gift That Keeps on Asking for Money

You know, everyone is so poor these days that when freebies are offered on the street, on the train, or in the bathroom stall, you obviously just take them. Am I right? Anyway, lately I’m so desperate to get something for free that I did a double take when I received my daily email from the increasingly tedious Obama campaign this morning with the subject heading “The Gift of Change.”

“Finally,” I thought. “An email from Barry that’s not asking for money. So what am I getting?”

Alas, if I want the above limited edition Obama coffee mug, I’m going to have to steal one of Jimmy’s paintings and sell it on eBay, that site where Sarah Palin sold her Alaskan airplane or helicopter or whatever and where Obama’s current senate seat is the hot item of the week.

I think the abstract one he did of me arm wrestling a penguin should command a pretty decent price. Maybe I can buy two coffee mugs.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Elmo and a Gorilla, 44th Street

So yesterday I was leaving the 21st Annual Indie and Small Press Book Fair, which was held at the Center for Independent Publishing on 44th street, where I was trolling around looking for deals, and who should I run into as I prepared to turn down 6th Avenue but famous muppet Elmo and a random gorilla inexplicably just hanging out in front of a row of newspaper boxes. I said hello and asked them what they were doing.

Apparently, things aren't going too well on Sesame Street. Elmo's been spending a lot of time in midtown these days and s/he had just gotten busted for soliciting a john driving a cab who was just stopping to ask for directions to the letter L. So Elmo had to call his gorilla friend to bail him out and I interrupted them as they were planning their next move: a bank robbery/puppy abduction on the Upper West Side.

This cratering economy is touching everyone.

Economic Downturn Hits Cindy Crawford

Some folks are better equipped to handle a great depression than others. I, for one, will probably be fine once I lose my job and have to start turning tricks for cash and chocolate. Because when it comes to economic matters, I'm 100% my father's son. I keep very close watch on my money: I rarely buy CDs new, generally preferring to wait until someone else is done with theirs; I consider K & S Cafeteria a 'fancy' restaurant; and I can treat the dried yellow flakes left on the bottom and sides of a pan after frying or scrambling an egg as leftovers if I need to. Point is: I'm cheap and live like an immigrant college student, so I won't be jumping from a tall downtown building the next time the Dow drops 1000 points or whatever; I'll probably just go to the store to stock up on Cup Noodle and steal some coins out of the "take a penny/leave a penny" cup.

But some folks will surprise you with how well equipped they are to deal with a cratering economy. And one of those folks is surely former supermodel and giant mole-wearer Cindy Crawford. The poor thing has had to take a job at some fast food joint in LA, God love her. But she still looks great and has that customer service thing down. I don't remember when I've ever ordered onion rings from someone this attractive. Best of all, she's already a management trainee!