My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Some Gay-Ass Window Display on 9th Avenue

It's Fashion Week again, I guess, or something, because good Lord there were a bunch of tedious people clustering here, there, and everywhere in the West Village last Friday as I rode my bike home. The point is, I'm never invited to the good parties. Because there was something Olympian going on at this boutique on 9th Avenue that I had no idea was happening and that you needed special goggles to truly appreciate. Why was this kept from me? Sure, I mostly shop at H&M, but I have very fashionable taste in abs, and I'm on a few mailing lists.

Anyway, my camera phone was there and decided these dudes needed photographing because they were trying so hard.

Editorial: Speedos and Our Precious Freedoms

People, the killjoy lefty media is at it again, attacking our freedoms for their own ideological satisfaction. The Daily Beast's Sean Macaulay has written the most ridiculous opinion piece in the history of Internet jernalizm and it must be called out for its lies, damn lies, distortions, falsities, misrepresentations, deceit, untruths, and fabrications.

In his hit piece on the world's greatest ever invention, the Speedo, Macauley argues that the time has come for a ban on "offensively small bathing suits". I....I can't even relate to that statement. Is this Macauley character even human? What language is he typing? Where is his birth certificate?

Certainly Macauley has a point about the frightening and dangerous possibilities inherent in allowing someone like Rod Stewart or Carson Kressley access to the mighty weanie-bender, beloved by everyone with a pulse. That is because Speedos are not made for men such as Rod and Carson. They are made for men such as David Beckam, Ricky Martin, and some guy named Justin Gaston that I just found out about by reading this awful article.

If you just ban the Speedo outright, you may be saving yourself from having your eyeballs melt to your face at the sight of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Giorgio Armani or George Hamilton or Jack Nicholson in a sagging pair of colored underwear; but you also face the real, and much more chilling, possibility of never being able to witness this guy, this guy, or these guys in the blissful state of undress God intended them to maintain all day, every day, for eternity. This is not only a loss for us as individuals. It is a loss for us as Americans. A tragic compromising of our very humanity that I, for one, cannot countenance.




If we have to live in a world without the Speedo, the terrorists have already won.

Reasons to Join the South Korean Special Warfare Command

As if you needed a reason. Look at those ribs. Why can't our armed forces be this brazenly gay? (Maybe it is? In secret?) Just to be clear: these are not Faye Wong's go-go boys practicing their routine on the beach. These are South Korean special warfare command soldiers doing an exercise during a sea infiltration drill. In speedos. Speedos, y'all.

Obviously I can't join the U.S. military because of gayness. Sadly, I don't think I'd be able to join the South Korean military either--there's no way I'd even get one leg through those things. Would have to wear that Speedo round my wrist.

Speaking of the Korean peninsula, welcome back Laura Ling and Euna Lee!!!!

Olympic Swimming's Sartorial Nosedive

There's been a horrific development in the world of Olympic swimming. Speedo, the swimwear company that can usually be relied upon to provide skimpy male suits that allow for optimal display of supple male flesh, has introduced the Speedo LZR Racer suit, a kind of state-of-the-art bodysuit that is credited with helping its wearers to set 38 new world records since its introduction in February.

This is disgusting news, obviously. The LZR Racer, which hides the human body under a tedious layer of dark, sexless spandex or whatever is set to become the new standard swimsuit for Olympians. According to Speedo's website, the suit is made of "a fabric designed to mimic the denticles of the world's fastest aquatic creature the shark." Yeah, and when was the last time you thought to yourself, "wow, that shark is hot! I'd hit that." It's been a while, right?

These new bodysuits might be good news for swimmers in their pursuit of Olympic gold, like Michael Phelps, whose nipples should by law be on display at all times. But it is a soul-crushing development for spectators of the event. These new suits are all spandex and no sex appeal; they magically turn whatever dude is wearing them into a Ken Doll eunuch. What is this sport coming to? In 2012 will Phelps be wearing a rubber priest's smock? Is that where we're headed?


Phelps in happier times


Phelps strapped into the LZR Racer, which
makes him faster in the water, but also pale,
sad, and less interesting.