Oh HELL Yeah!

Did you ladies see Paranormal Activity last year? That shit was awesome and I don't want to hear otherwise so shut up haters from Gawker. (Does Gawker like anything? For real.)

That movie rocked. My girl Kristen and I, who are horror movie whores, saw it at the Angelika and the silence in the cinema (sibilance) when the movie ended was just priceless. No one could breathe! (Well, one Gawker commenter was probably there breathing, but so what/who cares?)

NOW THERE'S A SEQUEL AND IT LOOKS AWESOME.

Movie Poster Critique: Brothers

Who among us sexual humans with beating hearts did not buckle at the sight of this movie poster when we stumbled out of the L train one night and felt a surge of respect for gay film marketing consultants pierce through our vodka buzz?

"My sweet Lord," I remember thinking. "Jake Gylenhaal is just ravenous for his brother Toby MacGuire's awesome hot butt cheeks." I also remember thinking, "What's Natalie Portman doing in this picture?"

Yes, leave it to Natalie Portman to totally ruin a perfectly good homo-neurotic movie poster with her buttinsky ways. Why is she interfering with what is surely the best doomed twink love story poster since Querelle or, at the very least, Brother Trouble (link NSFW!!)?

I'm not letting Natalie ruin another exquisite moment in the history of cinema postering. It's too late for Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium to be redeemed by my expert Photoshopping skills, but it's not too late for Brothers.

I therefore present to you the only Brothers movie poster I will hereafter recognize as legitimate:

Movie Poster Critique: The Whore's Son

There is almost nothing to complain about with this movie poster. It has everything. A tortured choirboy. His mother the whore, who couldn't even be bothered to get dressed for the photo shoot. A blond wig, styled in a bob. And the tagline: "In spite of everything, she's still your mom." (But why isn't "still" in italics?!) How did this movie not set the world ablaze with its breathless and writhing family politics of a sexual nature? Please tell me this didn't go straight to DVD, because if a Hollywood studio can't find an audience for this smut then someone is not doing his job.

The bottom line is, America needs to see this movie. It will heal so many wounds.

And I'm not even going to go into what I was Googling when I came upon this photo. It would reflect badly on me.

Movie Poster Critique: Orphan

This movie poster tells a story, a story of a freakish evil witch-child who in just about a second is going to suck the soul right out of your nostrils. Oh it will happen. Better look away.

I'd say this poster is just about perfect. I want to see the movie. I want to know what this crazy dead-eyed brat of the damned named Esther is going to get up to. How many lives will she ruin? How many kindly old ladies will she torture? How many innocent children will she frame for murder? These are the serious questions that this movie poster poses.

The only thing I would change is the little catchphrase at the bottom--"Can you keep a secret?" That's pretty lame. I would delete that and insert "Her pigtails will eat you."

Been and Gone: Ken Ogata

Sad. Ken Ogata, legendary Japanese actor, has died of liver failure at age 71. He's most famous in America for playing Japanese author Yukio Mishima in Paul Schraeder's impressionistic 1985 biopic Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters and a master calligrapher in Peter Greenaway's 1996 film The Pillow Book. Interestingly, Mishima has never been released in Japan because of opposition from Mishima's widow. But it has just been released in a special Criterion Collection box set, so we Americans can watch it all we want.

Hot Alien Report

Have I ever mentioned my appreciation for hunky blue alienmen with shaved heads and a glint of evil in their eyes? No? Strange, because I really don't think of much else. In any case, drink in the scorching hot photo I found when doing a random Google image search the other day. (Who knew that entering the key words "blue" "man" "group" and "torso" would return such a jackpot?) The photo is apparently a promotional image from a movie called Watchmen, which, hey, has a website. Judging from the trailer, it sure looks horrible, but I can't shake my hunch that there's a 10% chance that it's awesome.

See Tim Review: The Strangers

The new horror movie The Strangers starring Liv Tyler has kind of scared the motherf**king shit out of me. Tyler stars as an appletini-sipping tomb raiding space alien from Israel who turns green when she's angry and really just wants to cut hair (or a beautiful woman who's just turned down her boyfriend's marriage proposal and must spend the rest of the movie trying not to get hacked to death--I don't know, I was watching through my damn fingers).

This movie has forever changed the way I think about people in spooky kabuki masks showing up at 4 in the morning and knocking on my door asking for some bitch named Tamara. (F**k Tamara, man. F**k her.) It used to not bother me. Now I sit up at night just waiting for that knock. That booming, angry, horrible knock.

I also never want to hear a Joanna Newsom or Wilco song again. Their music portends twisted and excruciating murder games, and I'll have none of it.

Worst of all, thanks to this movie I've now realized the evil intent of one of my most prized souvenirs from my last visit to Japan a few years ago. Yes, it's a mask that I thoughtfully bought for my boyfriend at the cheap Asian market on Omotesando Dori in Harajuku and it sits balefully on my bathroom wall, just waiting to pounce. Its painted on smile hides an unimaginable evil that seeks to ruin my showers for the rest of my life, the end.


The Japanese mask on my bathroom wall has just
figured out a great new way to murder me.