Shootin' It, In Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Tonight, Gay Marriage in New York

Tim: Hey, if New York legalizes gay marriage should we get married?
Jimmy: No, I'll ruin your credit.

Guess that settles it!

Raucous Gatherings Dept: Puerto Rican Day, Bushwick

We all know that Puerto Ricans get a kick out of being Puerto Ricans. Who wouldn't? If I looked as good in a pair of saggy jeans as the dude in the above video does (my camera phone couldn't take its eyes off of him), I'd be throwing a parade every day, and I would certainly never wear a shirt.

On Sunday my bandmate Taylor and I were walking a friend to the Knickerbocker JMZ stop in Bushwick and also going to get beer, Joose, Tussin, shower caps, Oreos, poppers, and pills so we could practice properly, and holy moly it was loud outside. Down on Knickerbocker Ave., there were whistles, yelpings, flags, half-nakedness, horn honking, and other things signifying robust revelry. It wasn't really a parade, per se, but folks were sometimes walking in formation down the middle of the street, so maybe that counts?

I was a little disappointed that there were no dudes dancing on floats in their speedos, because isn't that what happens every time a bunch of loud folks gather together somewhere in NYC?



Below is an adorable short film I made called "Maracas," in which a Puerto Rican gentleman faces a difficult choice: continue blissfully playing his maracas or answer his annoying neighbor's persistent questions. Because he can't do both at the same time, much as he'd like to.

This film will win the short-subject documentary prize at next year's Daytime Emmys.

Diabetix Gone Wild: Tour de Cure, NYC

There aren't many days when being diabetic gets you a free sexy spandex bicyclist jersey, but last Sunday was one of those days, because it was the Tour de Cure, hooray! The Tour de Cure is an annual (?) bike ride through NYC (and other cities?) that raises money for diabetes research, which is very important these days because almost 99% of this fat nation has type 2 diabetes by the time they are 13. I'm one of the classy type 1 diabetics cursed with diseased genes, so I was never a big fatty who ate cheeseburgers and Ben and Jerry's for breakfast. No, no, my diagnosis was just blind luck, hitting me like a falling piano when I was just a skinny dumb 15-year-old.

But I'm a team player! And I love riding my bike! So along with my friends Geetha and Alyson I decided to raise some cash for what momma calls "dah-bee-tease."

Even though I was totally psyched about my free red jersey, I was a little bummed that I would have to ride around NYC for hours with the message "I Ride With Diabetes!" plastered across my back. Because what am I, 3 years old?



It was a beautiful day to ride, and we had 30 miles to cover, so things got started early, with some ceremonial screeching, about America.

We queued up for the big start, taking our place among all the other riders.





Then we were off, riding up the west-side bike path and north toward Harlem and Inwood, both of which should be renamed "Bunch of Danged Hills." And did you know that New Yorkers--drivers and pedestrians alike--have a visceral hatred of bicyclists, even ones wearing sexy red jerseys and riding for f-ing charity? The sneering animosity was palpable, and quite off-putting. Sure, I bike to work every day from Brooklyn to the west side of Manhattan and somehow avoid being killed by careless cabbies and mean-spirited bitches in Escalades constantly, but for some reason I figured there would be at least a modicum of good will on offer for those RIDING WITH DIABETES! But no, there was very little of that to be had, because of seething hatred and, sometimes, homicidal mania.

Anyway, because of all those dang hills, I needed a snack to repair a blood sugar plunge before we even reached the first break location. Here I am enjoying the hell out of a Snickers bar.

The cue sheet for the ride was long and was also on paper, not on a app like the Jetsons used, so we had to tape it to our bikes like the Waltons always did in order to lessen the likelihood of dying while figuring out where to go. (This was still very likely!)



And a short 5 1/2 hours later, in I rolled to the finish line, triumphant and ready for a cure to diabetes once and for all so I can realize the American dream of starting my days the way the Founding Fathers intended: with a large bowl of Peanut Butter Cap 'n Crunch and Nutella-smeared toast on the side.



Tour de Cure, yaaaay! To be honest, I raised some money but not as much as I could have because I just decided to do this five days before the ride. But you can still help me out, just go here and relieve yourself of all your money.

Happy Memorial Day from Jam Master Jimmy

When Jimmy isn't spinning mad-hot tracks at clubs full of hip queerballs, nude traffic cops, trapeze trannies, and trucker princesses, he likes to get away from it all and unwind. Like at Fort Tilden in the Rockaways, where we went today. It's a beach beloved, we learned today, by pasty hipster slobs who like to go topless. It was hard to look at but even harder to look away...

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Book Expo 2011

Since the big rapture DJ party didn't happen on May 21, Book Expo of America 2011, the publishing industry's annual smut festival of doom, went on as planned this week at the Javits Center in NYC with all of its scheduled special guests. This year they included Jane Lynch, Julianne Moore, John Lithgow, and probably some other people, all appearing to meet their fans among the disgusting and depraved book people in attendance from across the globe.

Also! This year, unlike previous years, I was at Book Expo not just as an (un)official BEA photographer but also, thanks to the good people at Amazon, as an author OMG! Yes, as I mentioned previously, next fall Amazon Encore, an imprint of Amazon Publishing, will be publishing my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries, which I self published last summer, and to celebrate their growing publishing program they invited all of their authors to come to Book Expo and look sexy/tired. So on Tuesday I trolled on over to the Javits Center and got my Exhibiting Author badge, above for your viewing pleasure, and started exhibiting myself all over the damn place.

Onwards to the hot pix. Warning: they are often blurry.


I don't know what booth this was, but it's impossible for me not to take a picture of a table full of adorable stuffed animals. It's why I always get kicked out of FAO Schwartz.

This fancy gentleman is walking around with a box on his head pimping the book Proving God. Glad I decided not to wear mine.

Good Lord, Scientologists are weird. There was a poor girl, obviously kidnapped, dressed as a pirate and forced to hand out flyers at the giant L. Ron Hubbard booth. Right after I took this picture, the blonde woman on the right looked over at me with an expression that said, "I am going to eat your face." I returned her hungry gaze with my own that said "I will not let you eat my face."

Look at this photo of the Wimpy Kid sitting in a large snow globe surrounded by dark figures who don't seem to even notice him. I mean really look at it. It's saying something, isn't it?

Gross.

Winner of the Hottest Promotional Book Poster Award is up there on the left.

I'll give you three guesses what the title of the book in the middle of this picture is.

Pretty sure you didn't guess that right.

This is the Librarians At Play orgy booth. Things got a little unhinged right after this picture was snapped.

Just when I was giving up on seeing any celebrities, Dr. Ruth shows up at the Amazon booth to talk to Larry Kirshbaum, who has just been named vice president and publisher of Amazon Publishing's New York office. It took me a few tries, but I got my photo. She's very small and blurry.

Then, right after seeing Dr. Ruth, I walk outside and see this car that appears to be waiting for Ice-T. Did they write a book together?

Up next: the Amazon party at the Press Lounge! Above are little cookies with the titles of Amazon books on them. For some reason mine wasn't included (I was a late addition to the author list), which is sad because my book is delicious.

My ladyfriend Alyson looking awesome.

Me trying to get enough booze in me to get up the nerve to talk to some of these people.

The view from the Press Lounge's veranda.

Me and Alyson with any increasingly distopian midtown behind us. 

There's Larry again. 

Larry again.

Book Expo 2011, everybody!

Big TiT News!

Hear ye, hear ye, folks. A little publishing outfit in Seattle called Amazon--I think they have a website?--has picked up my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries for actual real (i.e., not self-) publication in paperback and as an e-book in December! Can you believe they've made such a reckless/brilliant business decision?! It's through one of their publishing imprints, Amazon Encore, and what's going on, has the world gone mad?

The answer is yes, but things won't go completely batballs crazy until December, so don't lose your shit yet. Above is the new cover for the book and, shockingly, it's a billion times hotter than the one I did. Who knew that actual graphic designers could improve upon the book jacket design work of a very fast typist like myself?

Sadly, Oprah has now gone off the air so it's not possible to be one of her upcoming book club picks. But that's ok, because who wants to have to sit and talk to Oprah?

This Picture on the Subway, Believe It Or Not, Is an Ad For a News Broadcast

Not for a furniture store or a tight sleeveless blouse shop or a push-up bra boutique. For a news broadcast. For Pix 11 News at 10, to be specific. And who's that alluring woman with the prominently featured arms and boobage? She's Jodi Applegate, a porn name, obviously. And what is Jodi doing, besides standing next to that chair lookin' good, that has anything to do with the news? Well, she's obviously thinking very hard about the news. (And bon bons.) Is she thinking about the uprising in Libya? The Newt Gingrich flameout? The debt ceiling? Maybe. But the overall impression left by this advertisement, let's face it, is clear.

Jodi Applegate is going to sit in that chair and fuck the news. Live.

Of course, there are men on this news program, too, because otherwise how would people take it seriously?



Let these obviously capable guys handle the "reading" and the "banter" and the "holding things" and the "electronics"--all very important parts of a news program. That's fine, it's what dudes do. But leave the fuckin' to Jodi.

I think it would indicate a stronger news broadcast, though, if Jodi was standing next to a stripper pole and holding a dildo.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: The Thing at the Landmark Loews Jersey Theatre

It's been a while since Jimmy and I were back at the Loews Jersey Theater in Jersey City, but put in an appearance recently to see John Carpenter's The Thing, because who doesn't want to watch bubbling, mucousy, multi-headed humanoid creatures square dance with Kurt Russell in Antarctica on the big screen?

Also, as an added bonus, in the lobby of the theater there was an exhilarating display of items from Thing-Fest, which is, apparently, a convention that exists somewhere. There was lots of sexy stuff, which I have photographed for your viewing pleasure.

Lots of collectibles here. The thing on the right is signed by Mr. Russell himself.

The guy in the Canada jacket is not part of the display.

Insert obligatory "I didn't realize my ex-boyfriend was going to be here" joke here.

Yep. In Germany, they call it Das Ding, which is also the name of the "student film" I did when I was in college.

Whoever was in charge of this display completely ignored the sign on the right.

Thomas Waites, left, who played Window, was on hand (with his son?) to sign prints and paraphernalia for the low low price of $20.

Now That Obama Has Vaporized Osama, Can He Send the Navy Seals to Get the Fucking Asshole That Stole My Bike, Plz?

I know what you're saying: Tim, didn't you just get that bike? Like last week? Wasn't it such a new bike that you hadn't even taken a photo of it yet? And hadn't you just realized how head over heels in love you were with this bike just yesterday when you took it out on the town, rode to Brooklyn Bridge Park, rode into the city, and galavanted all around like you owned the place? The answer to all of these questions is a sweaty and horrified YES. I hadn't even named him yet! (Though Jimmy had already named him Nigel.)

Some fucking bullshit asshole was trolling through Chelsea with his saw today, apparently, and he saw my bike parked and locked on 24th between 9th and 10th and decided he just had to have my beautiful, virginal fixed-gear bike because why go to a bike shop and buy yourself something when you're a fucking lame-ass motherfucker and you've got a perfectly good saw in your hand?

More Guantanamo for bike thieves, Obama.

Not a Gay Porno Dept.: Navy Seal Training

All of us U.S. Americans have had hearts aflutter all week thinking about how much we'd like to offer our thanks to the Navy Seals, for being so sexy. "What is their training regimen like?" we haven't been able to stop asking ourselves, while fapping. Well, these photos tell you an awful lot about their training regimen: it's hot; so hot, in fact, that sometimes they just have to lie stretched out on the beach and let the water wash over their musculature, trickling this and that way, alluringly.

But these photos are not stills from a gay porno, so stop thinking that! They're just exercising and preparing to hunt down bad guys, and make those bad guys blow them. Have some respect.

In conclusion, get your hands out of your pants.

Everyone Will Always Remember Where They Were When They Found Out What Katy Perry Thinks of Osama bin Laden's Death

Thank you, Huffington Post, for being our window into history.