Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Happy Memorial Day from Jam Master Jimmy

When Jimmy isn't spinning mad-hot tracks at clubs full of hip queerballs, nude traffic cops, trapeze trannies, and trucker princesses, he likes to get away from it all and unwind. Like at Fort Tilden in the Rockaways, where we went today. It's a beach beloved, we learned today, by pasty hipster slobs who like to go topless. It was hard to look at but even harder to look away...

Friday, May 27, 2011

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Book Expo 2011

Since the big rapture DJ party didn't happen on May 21, Book Expo of America 2011, the publishing industry's annual smut festival of doom, went on as planned this week at the Javits Center in NYC with all of its scheduled special guests. This year they included Jane Lynch, Julianne Moore, John Lithgow, and probably some other people, all appearing to meet their fans among the disgusting and depraved book people in attendance from across the globe.

Also! This year, unlike previous years, I was at Book Expo not just as an (un)official BEA photographer but also, thanks to the good people at Amazon, as an author OMG! Yes, as I mentioned previously, next fall Amazon Encore, an imprint of Amazon Publishing, will be publishing my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries, which I self published last summer, and to celebrate their growing publishing program they invited all of their authors to come to Book Expo and look sexy/tired. So on Tuesday I trolled on over to the Javits Center and got my Exhibiting Author badge, above for your viewing pleasure, and started exhibiting myself all over the damn place.

Onwards to the hot pix. Warning: they are often blurry.

I don't know what booth this was, but it's impossible for me not to take a picture of a table full of adorable stuffed animals. It's why I always get kicked out of FAO Schwartz.

This fancy gentleman is walking around with a box on his head pimping the book Proving God. Glad I decided not to wear mine.

Good Lord, Scientologists are weird. There was a poor girl, obviously kidnapped, dressed as a pirate and forced to hand out flyers at the giant L. Ron Hubbard booth. Right after I took this picture, the blonde woman on the right looked over at me with an expression that said, "I am going to eat your face." I returned her hungry gaze with my own that said "I will not let you eat my face."

Look at this photo of the Wimpy Kid sitting in a large snow globe surrounded by dark figures who don't seem to even notice him. I mean really look at it. It's saying something, isn't it?


Winner of the Hottest Promotional Book Poster Award is up there on the left.

I'll give you three guesses what the title of the book in the middle of this picture is.

Pretty sure you didn't guess that right.

This is the Librarians At Play orgy booth. Things got a little unhinged right after this picture was snapped.

Just when I was giving up on seeing any celebrities, Dr. Ruth shows up at the Amazon booth to talk to Larry Kirshbaum, who has just been named vice president and publisher of Amazon Publishing's New York office. It took me a few tries, but I got my photo. She's very small and blurry.

Then, right after seeing Dr. Ruth, I walk outside and see this car that appears to be waiting for Ice-T. Did they write a book together?

Up next: the Amazon party at the Press Lounge! Above are little cookies with the titles of Amazon books on them. For some reason mine wasn't included (I was a late addition to the author list), which is sad because my book is delicious.

My ladyfriend Alyson looking awesome.

Me trying to get enough booze in me to get up the nerve to talk to some of these people.

The view from the Press Lounge's veranda.

Me and Alyson with any increasingly distopian midtown behind us. 

There's Larry again. 

Larry again.

Book Expo 2011, everybody!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Big TiT News!

Hear ye, hear ye, folks. A little publishing outfit in Seattle called Amazon--I think they have a website?--has picked up my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries for actual real (i.e., not self-) publication in paperback and as an e-book in December! Can you believe they've made such a reckless/brilliant business decision?! It's through one of their publishing imprints, Amazon Encore, and what's going on, has the world gone mad?

The answer is yes, but things won't go completely batballs crazy until December, so don't lose your shit yet. Above is the new cover for the book and, shockingly, it's a billion times hotter than the one I did. Who knew that actual graphic designers could improve upon the book jacket design work of a very fast typist like myself?

Sadly, Oprah has now gone off the air so it's not possible to be one of her upcoming book club picks. But that's ok, because who wants to have to sit and talk to Oprah?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

This Picture on the Subway, Believe It Or Not, Is an Ad For a News Broadcast

Not for a furniture store or a tight sleeveless blouse shop or a push-up bra boutique. For a news broadcast. For Pix 11 News at 10, to be specific. And who's that alluring woman with the prominently featured arms and boobage? She's Jodi Applegate, a porn name, obviously. And what is Jodi doing, besides standing next to that chair lookin' good, that has anything to do with the news? Well, she's obviously thinking very hard about the news. (And bon bons.) Is she thinking about the uprising in Libya? The Newt Gingrich flameout? The debt ceiling? Maybe. But the overall impression left by this advertisement, let's face it, is clear.

Jodi Applegate is going to sit in that chair and fuck the news. Live.

Of course, there are men on this news program, too, because otherwise how would people take it seriously?

Let these obviously capable guys handle the "reading" and the "banter" and the "holding things" and the "electronics"--all very important parts of a news program. That's fine, it's what dudes do. But leave the fuckin' to Jodi.

I think it would indicate a stronger news broadcast, though, if Jodi was standing next to a stripper pole and holding a dildo.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: The Thing at the Landmark Loews Jersey Theatre

It's been a while since Jimmy and I were back at the Loews Jersey Theater in Jersey City, but put in an appearance recently to see John Carpenter's The Thing, because who doesn't want to watch bubbling, mucousy, multi-headed humanoid creatures square dance with Kurt Russell in Antarctica on the big screen?

Also, as an added bonus, in the lobby of the theater there was an exhilarating display of items from Thing-Fest, which is, apparently, a convention that exists somewhere. There was lots of sexy stuff, which I have photographed for your viewing pleasure.

Lots of collectibles here. The thing on the right is signed by Mr. Russell himself.

The guy in the Canada jacket is not part of the display.

Insert obligatory "I didn't realize my ex-boyfriend was going to be here" joke here.

Yep. In Germany, they call it Das Ding, which is also the name of the "student film" I did when I was in college.

Whoever was in charge of this display completely ignored the sign on the right.

Thomas Waites, left, who played Window, was on hand (with his son?) to sign prints and paraphernalia for the low low price of $20.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Now That Obama Has Vaporized Osama, Can He Send the Navy Seals to Get the Fucking Asshole That Stole My Bike, Plz?

I know what you're saying: Tim, didn't you just get that bike? Like last week? Wasn't it such a new bike that you hadn't even taken a photo of it yet? And hadn't you just realized how head over heels in love you were with this bike just yesterday when you took it out on the town, rode to Brooklyn Bridge Park, rode into the city, and galavanted all around like you owned the place? The answer to all of these questions is a sweaty and horrified YES. I hadn't even named him yet! (Though Jimmy had already named him Nigel.)

Some fucking bullshit asshole was trolling through Chelsea with his saw today, apparently, and he saw my bike parked and locked on 24th between 9th and 10th and decided he just had to have my beautiful, virginal fixed-gear bike because why go to a bike shop and buy yourself something when you're a fucking lame-ass motherfucker and you've got a perfectly good saw in your hand?

More Guantanamo for bike thieves, Obama.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Not a Gay Porno Dept.: Navy Seal Training

All of us U.S. Americans have had hearts aflutter all week thinking about how much we'd like to offer our thanks to the Navy Seals, for being so sexy. "What is their training regimen like?" we haven't been able to stop asking ourselves, while fapping. Well, these photos tell you an awful lot about their training regimen: it's hot; so hot, in fact, that sometimes they just have to lie stretched out on the beach and let the water wash over their musculature, trickling this and that way, alluringly.

But these photos are not stills from a gay porno, so stop thinking that! They're just exercising and preparing to hunt down bad guys, and make those bad guys blow them. Have some respect.

In conclusion, get your hands out of your pants.