Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Why is Ann Coulter's Neck Such a Racist?

Ann Coulter's Neck has a lot to answer for. As you may know, Coulter—Official Aging Tranny of the right wing—wrote a column yesterday basically blaming minorities for the economic crisis. Yes, all those innocent, guileless banks have been made innocent victims of predatory borrowing behavior on the part of vicious, greedy poor people, most of whom are brown, black, or some other odious color besides white. In Mr. Coulter's own words,

Clinton's secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Andrew Cuomo, investigated Fannie Mae for racial discrimination and proposed that 50 percent of Fannie Mae's and Freddie Mac's portfolio be made up of loans to low- to moderate-income borrowers by the year 2001.

Instead of looking at "outdated criteria," such as the mortgage applicant's credit history and ability to make a down payment, banks were encouraged to consider nontraditional measures of credit-worthiness, such as having a good jump shot or having a missing child named "Caylee."

Now, I hear all of my readers saying, "But Tim, how can you blame Ann Coulter's Neck for something it didn't say? You should put the blame on Ann Coulter's blonde calfskin head." Well, you know what readers? That excuse just doesn't cut it anymore. Ann Coulter's Neck continues to prop up that angular, bony leather bile sack of a head year after year, no matter how many pathologically idiotic statements it makes. You can only hide behind a cascade of damaged, bleached pine needles for so long before you lose all credibility. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Ann Coulter's Neck has lost all credibility.

I'm calling for Ann Coulter's Neck to do the right thing and stick that head in path of the nearest MTA train. I recommend the 5 train going to the Bronx for added poetry.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Department of the Ill-Advised: Tim and Stella Live-Blog the Debate!

Ok, I'm trying this stupid live-blogging thing out because at the last minute my debate-watching plans fell through. (It involved a sports bar, Times Square, and so many blowjobs.) This will be the last ever presidential debate before we are all swallowed up by Chinese Iranians, so what the hell. Anyway, I reserve the right to delete this entire post if things go horribly wrong. I also might just stop. Because I plan on getting wasted with my cat. And yes, that is Svedka vodka. It's good, bitch.

9:01 - That debate set looks so ominous. Horrible things are going to happen there.

9:03 - First question. Quote from somebody famous, like Napoleon Bonaparte, about Wall Street. Obama answers. Need oversight. He's got his bullet points ready. First Golden Parachute mention! Ooh, followed by a swipe at McCain. Drink!

9:06 - McCain not feeling too good these days. Makes an age joke about himself! Too bad the audience was warned not to applaud, yell anything, or roll their eyes too loudly. He's rambling.

9:08 - Do they favor the plan? Obama is optimistic. But how did we get here? (Homos and terrorists, duh.)

9:13 - McCain giving "the American worker" a taint lick. Feels so good. Yay! Earmarks are gateway drugs! Jimmy's just gone out to get us some of those!

9:16 - Obama hits back. He interrupts the old man. "Honky, please."

9:20 - Why does Jim Lehrer keep telling them to talk directly to each other? They're not freaking fifth graders.

9:23 - Obama is scorching when he says "loopholes."

9:26 - McCain hates Obama so much. He and Hillary are getting together later to do each other's hair and talk shit about him.

9:30 - Liveblogging is hard. McCain just made a dig at Obama being a lefty. Stella just threw up. Obama smacked him back.

9:36 - EXPERIMENT OVER!! Gotta eat my pizza, get another drink, and read other live blogs. Also I'm tired of typing.

9:45 - I'm resurging. Damn, Obama just smacked McCain. Oh shit, McCain's started another fucking story. The entire audience wants to go refill their drinks. He just said "Iraqi freedom." I thought that phrase was abandoned a few years ago.

9:50 - Why did I ever decide to do this? I'm going to start a live blog about the idiocy of live blogging. Watch for that.

9:57 - Yes, by all means, please tell us another fucking story, Gramps. He has a record. He has a record. He has a record. I've never wanted to hit an old man before. (Well, not since I was released.) But I want to hit this man. He's been talking for about three weeks now.

10:29 - A hundred years have passed. When is Obama going to take his shirt off? I wanna see some of that.

10:30 - Sorry, got to wonk out here: missile defense, a major reason for the end of the Cold War? That's what McCain just said. Does he ever get tired of making shit up?

10:39 - Thank God it's over. Enter the pundits. My dob is jone.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Sarah Palin Totally Wasn't Like This When I Talked to Her at the Chat 'n Chew

Oh murderous death, I can't watch this, so I'm making you. And I can't top what Wonkette had to say about it, which was

snort can will health care eat potato cheap economy health poop cum umbrella face nose tax cut health penis eye stab number drink pepsi trade blah moose shit die cancer.

At this point I don't care if Sarah Palin is our next Vice President, would someone just please escort her to an undisclosed location immediately and go ahead and start the next war. Thanks!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Gail Collins Has a Smart Little Mouth

Jeepers, Gail Collins is on fire in her column "Bring on the Rubber Chicken" (real title!) in this morning's New York Times.

She starts by referring to President Cipher's address to the nation last night, saying that

the whole event had a kind of unreality to it, since Bush has arrived at that unhappy point in American public life when a famous person begins to look like a celebrity impersonator.

So rude! Then she quotes Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Cipher at length, introducing the passage thusly:

"Or, as Sarah Palin told Katie Couric on CBS News last night: 'Not necessarily this, as it’s been proposed, has to pass or we’re gonna find ourselves in another Great Depression. But there has to be action taken, bipartisan effort — Congress not pointing fingers at this point at ... one another, but finding the solution to this, taking action and being serious about the reforms on Wall Street that are needed.'

So say we all.

As they say in the comic books: wham! Then she sets her talons on Grandpa McCain, who yesterday bizarrely suspended his campaign with the bloated emptiness of the following statement:

“Following Sept. 11, our national leaders came together at a time of crisis. We must show that kind of patriotism now.”

Enter Gail:

In deference to the current emergency, we will refrain from pointing out that when our national leaders came together following Sept. 11, the results were, all and all, worse than if they had stayed home.

Whoop, whoop! And finally, just in case you thought that Gail would conclude with a liberal reacharound for Obama (FYI: liberal reacharounds always take place at the New York Times; conservative reacharounds always take place in the Minneapolis airport bathroom), she has the following to say about Our Barry, who yesterday commented that “If we [Congress] get consensus and everybody is popping Champagne, then I’ll probably go back to campaign with folks who are having a tough time in Ohio and Michigan”:

This seemed like an overly casual way to avert economic catastrophe. Since the people of Ohio and Michigan have been visited by a presidential candidate virtually every hour for the last six months, it would seem that they could get by on their own for a day or two.

Someone give this woman a call-in show!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Today in Stupid Loan Offers: HSBC

Readers, I'm clearly a man people trust with their money. Sometimes, when I'm just minding my own business on a Friday night pole dancing at the Slipper Room or whatever, folks will actually approach me and put $20 in my G-string! Then later when I'm doing cartwheels on stage while holding a cockatoo and twirling a hula hoop around my neck people just start throwing money at me. Totally unprompted! Weird, right? Well, it's happening again, I guess. This morning I got an offer in my gmail for a loan from HSBC (screen grab above, click to enlarge) totaling $4,176.

You know, I may rely too heavily on the kindness of strangers handing me sweaty cash to pay my rent and buy my pearls, but I'll be damned if I'm going to resort to asking for money from a bank. That's just foolish.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why is Conservative Columnist and Gay Icon George Will Gay-Baiting John McCain?

Readers, why on Earth is emotive conservative thinker and typer George Will—who is also, not incidentally, an icon to confused gays everywhere—gay-baiting John McCain in his most recent Washington Post column? Witness the homophobic linguistix:

Channeling his inner Queen of Hearts, John McCain furiously, and apparently without even looking around at facts, said Chris Cox, chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, should be decapitated.

Honestly, what's going on here, George? First you call John McCain a queen and then you say something about Sissy McCain cutting off the head of some dude's cocks. Worst of all, you use the word "decapitated", which everyone knows is DC street lingo for oral sex. Is this what political discourse has come to in this country? (Or would you rather I said c*ntry?)

You're disgusting, George.

A Chat With Sarah Palin

Great news, ugly powerless losers who are also poor! Sarah Palin, the President of Babies, has arrived in our fair city of NYC, home of 9/11! She will be visiting the hated United Nations in order to learn the names of more countries that we might have to go to war with. She will also be teaching all the stodgy old men the secret Alaskan handshake. (Hint: it involves a caribou tail, night goggles, and the tuft of a newborn baby’s head.)

As you know, Sarah Palin is living proof to young girls everywhere that if you are cute enough, can read a teleprompter with minimal errors, and have forceful enough hand gestures, you too can force rape victims to pay for their rape kits in your hometown of Wasilla. Also, you can be plucked from obscurity to help your Grandpa lead the free world. That’s the magic of America.

Anyway, though Governor Palin is still in the midst of a record-breaking media blackout, she’s been really good about making herself available to See Tim Blog readers. And she has been good enough to agree to give a few pre-programmed answers to some of their more burning questions. I sat with her at the Chat ‘n Chew in Union Square and we, um, chatted as she chewed.

Governor Palin, thank you so much for sitting here and eating this massive mound of cheese fries with me. I do have to ask, though, because my readers are relying on me to bring them answers to some tough questions, what—specifically—do you bring to the table vis-à-vis American foreign policy?

Listen, Tom—


Sorry! Listen, Bill, the important thing for your readers to know is that Barack Obama wants to show porn to babies and teach sodomy to kindergarteners. That’s not change we can believe in.

But, Governor, aren’t you really just avoiding my question?

But Mark, do you really want such an angry woman with no real policy credentials in the White House?

Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I’m actually not a McCain-Palin supporter, but, yeah, you really took the words right out of my mouth.

I was talking about Michelle Obama.

Governor, is sexism an issue in this campaign and do you now have more empathy for what Hillary Clinton—who you had earlier implied was a whiner—faced in the Democratic primary?

Also, Dirk, energy independence. Drilling. Russia. And Georgia. NATO and our allies. Victory in Iraq. Afghanistan. Economic recovery. Bipartisanism. Defeat-o-crats. Venezuela. That's right. Venezuela. And Iran. Glass ceiling. Lipstick.

Thank you for your time, Governor.

You’re welcome, Anorak.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

How to Fill Up the Hours of Your Empty, Pointless Life: Yearbook Yourself

Last week, my best friend Dani—a gorgeous, leggy, Geena Davis-type—sent me a photo she had made on the website yearbookyourself.com of herself as a high school boy in the 1950s, looking not unlike her father. This picture truly scrambled my brains. I had vicious, horrible nightmares that night. The next morning, after spending a good hour in the shower trying to scrape away the memories with Comet and Murphy's Oil Soap, I thought, "You know, I'd really like to give others—friends, relations, and random people who read this blog—the opportunity to be afraid to ever close their eyes at night again." So I made my way over to yearbookyourself and made some photos of myself through the ages. I made lots and lots (more than any sensible person really should have), so enjoy, and sweet dreams!

If you want to give the nightmares back, send me a picture and I'll promise not to ever look at it. (Seriously, send me a picture.)

Friday, September 19, 2008

Jukebox: Ladytron

There is a chill in the air today and you know what that means. Yes, it's the perfect time for some ice cold synths. And who better than Ladytron to usher in the coming freeze?

Ladytron is the quintessential American band. First, they are from Liverpool, in England. Second, they feature a deadpan Bulgarian co-vocalist. Third, an Asian guy with wonderful hair named Reuben Wu plays analog keyboards. And finally, they are robots. You can't get more American, my friends, than that.

"Playgirl" is one of their earliest songs (from first album 604) and the video lays out their esthetic pretty solidly. Witness the retro-futuristic color pallet. Marvel at lead android Helen Marnie's dead eyes and emotionless delivery. Weep at the gloomy story of a sad and lonely club girl who has nothing to keep her warm but her cold, cold, ultimately meaningless nightlife.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Today in Fearmongering

Those of you who know me know that I'm not above scaring people into doing what I want them to do. I remember when I was just a playful little 10-year-old kid and one sunny summer day I told my next door neighbor and classmate Andrea that if she didn't let me borrow her Culture Club Colour By Numbers record her mother would never love her. It worked! (She also offered me Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual, but I obviously already had that one.)

I'm a grown man now, but when it comes to fearmongering, I'm still just a kid at heart. And this year's presidential election is the perfect opportunity for some good old-fashioned scare tactics. Usually the Republicans are the party with the most to work with when it comes to frightening the electorate, but McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his VP (not to mention McCain himself) opened a world of opportunity for Democrats. Some other enterprising New Yorker obviously feels the same way. I saw the above stickers on some scaffolding down the street from my office. This is certainly the kind of message the Democrats need to get out.

Now, all we need to do is get all those undecided voters up here to the corner of 23rd and 8th in NYC so they can see this scaffolding. It will surely make a difference come election day.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hats for the Apocalypse: London Fashion Week

This hat is so fashion forward. Not only can it shield its wearer from harmful UV rays and falling pianos, it can also withstand the impact of IEDs, receive transmissions from orbiting interplanetary craft, and, best of all, complement any outfit, no matter how busy the pattern or color scheme. (Hello, Houndstooth!) Also, you know, it looks like Pac-Man. And makes the wearer look dead.

The brainchild of visionary British designer Giles Deacon, this hat, which, fingers crossed, will be featured in the next god-awful Sex and the City movie, comes with a matching steel clutch purse, sheet metal bracelets (like Wonder Woman had), and aluminum foil tube socks. All for the low low price of God knows how much.

In conclusion, fashion is dumb.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What Name Would Sarah Palin Have Ruined Your Young Life With?

Ok, I know this has probably already made its way across the blog-o-net the world over, but whatever, some of us have to work for a living. The latest craze among Palin-obsessed sociopaths like myself is the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator, which, if you simply type in your name, will tell you what it translates to in Palinese, an Alaskan dialect spoken by the retarded.

Be warned, though. I typed in Tim Anderson and got the disappointing Timber Challenger Palin, which is pretty 'meh. (see below) So I would recommend typing in your full name. I did and was rewarded with the epic nombre Spackle Camshaft Palin (see above), which is just too sexy for words (honestly: Camshaft? Scorching) and, obviously, much more suitable por moi.

Monday, September 15, 2008

An Open Letter to Sarah Palin from Stella [translated and transcribed by Jimmy]

"Hey Sarah. Look, I really have to get something off my chest. Hold on a sec, would you? [Licks left paw and slicks back tuft of hair on head.] Ok, sorry. God, I'm thirsty. Tim!! Tim!! Tim!!! Refill my water bowl! Yeah, like now!! I want that shit full by the time I get done with this, ok?! Yeah, bitch, thanks. Anyway, sorry Sarah Palin.

So! I hear that you are afraid of cats. I saw it on one of my favorite blogs, and I just think that is hilarious. I mean, you can bite the face off a moose but a mere kittycat bothers you?? If you can't stare down a cat how can you stare down Putin? Or a dog? Or a pig with lipstick on it? Or Nancy Pelosi? Hold on. [flips head to get bulbous yet benign cyst behind left ear out of field of vision.]

Sorry. That thing is about to drive me f**king crazy. Tim!! Tim!!! Goddamn it, TIIIIM!!!!! Bring me that thing!! That thing, you know what I'm talking about!! The thing with the doohickey on the top of it!! Dizzy queer. And a vodka tonic!! No f**kng Aristocrat, either, you cheap MFer. [throws up.]

Anyway, sorry, Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin, I just need to say, you are an inspiration to women, that is clear, because I read it on a blog. I've also heard Tim saying that you're not, which naturally means that you are, because, I love him, but that boy is full of shit. But, hear me Sarah Palin, I really think your silly aversion to cats might undercut your appeal to the crazy old cat lady demographic. That demographic, Sarah Palin, is HUGE. And wide open, because Obama has done nothing to lock it up. So tread lightly. You might think of doing a press availability at the SPCA. Hold on. [Looks at the wall. Looks up. Looks down. Eyes widen. Stares into space.] Oh, shit, sorry. Forgot you were there. [Tim sets vodka tonic down in front of her.] It's about time. Jesus, did you harvest the potatoes yourself?

Anyway, Sarah Palin, we cats may be idiosyncratic. We may see things that aren't actually there and throw up substances that make a person truly believe in Hell. But we are a part of this democracy, and many voters love us. So show some respect, Sarah Palin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to give myself a bath before finishing this vodka and inexplicably going to stand in the corner to look up at the ceiling longingly. Take heed, my bitch."

Frank Rich Has a Smart Little Mouth

Ok, this isn't as great as his last one, but Hell if I'm not becoming a fan of Frank Rich. From Saturday's column "The Palin-Whatshisname Ticket":

The same Republicans who attack Democrats for being too P.C. about race now howl about sexism with such abandon you half-expect Phyllis Schlafly and Carly Fiorina to stage a bra-burning.

The absurdity of this comment is why it's funny. Everyone knows that Phyllis Schlafly doesn't wear a bra.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Pic of the Week!!

I stole this off my sister's blog (sorry, Laurie!), but I couldn't resist.

The best part about it is I really truly believe this could very well be a direct quote. He's so dang smooth.

Shootin' It: In Which Tim, Jimmy, and Our Cat Stella Briefly Discuss the Issues of Our Times

While watching Charlie Gibson's interview with VP nominee Sarah Palin on Nightline.....

Tim: Good Lord. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Jimmy: Shit.

Stella: Food. Water.

Tim: Jesus, this is almost making me feel sorry for her again.

Jimmy: She was programmed by a drunk.

Stella: Don't touch my head. I said don't f**king touch my head.

Jimmy: Why hasn't he asked her about lipstick on a pig yet?

Tim: She's an inspiration to all women who want to look great while not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is.

Jimmy: Look, Charlie Gibson is holding on to the sides of his chair because he's trying not to slap her.

Stella: I gotta go take a dump.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

But What Does Ann Coulter's Neck Think About This Whole Sarah Palin Thing?

It just occurred to me what has been missing from this retarded campaign season, and I can't believe it has taken me this long: where on Earth is Ann Coulter's Neck and what does it think of this whole Sarah Palin thing?

Now, I don't have cable, but I do have a series of tubes in my computer that allows me to see short video clips from all across the media wasteland, and once upon a time, I could be assured that at least three times a week I would have the opportunity to see that Neck in all its writhing and veiny glory as it struggled to hold up Ann Coulter's Head while it was being interviewed.

But where is Ann Coulter's Neck now? I know it got into some trouble in Tokyo in the recent past, but that was a year ago. Is it still around and I'm just missing it amid all the sexy librarian glasses, pregnant teenagers, Mooses with Downs syndrome, 72-year-old fish senators wrapped in newspaper, and sexy pigs busting out of the woodwork? Surely that Neck has an opinion about Palin, the first Republican woman to ever sexually arouse a Republican man.

Come back, Ann Coulter's Neck. This campaign needs you to class it up a little.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sarah Palin Will Now Take Another One of Your Stupid Questions

Sarah Palin, our next great President of Wars and Jesus Libraries, is holed up in her Alaskan Moose lab preparing for her first hard-hitting interview with a national news poodle (in this case ABC's Charles Gibson) as a Vice Presidential candidate later this week. She returns today to SeeTimBlog to answer another reader question and she promised me that she won't call anyone a "community organizer."


Dear Governor Palin,

You are an inspiration to bald-faced female liars with children and full-time jobs everywhere. I can’t tell you how empowering I find your brazen disregard for the truth about your real record on the Bridge to Nowhere in speech after speech after speech. How do you do it, Sarah? How do you lie like a trail of caribou droppings in the Alaskan wilderness without even breaking a sweat? I’m in awe. Whenever I try to tell a lie that is provably false (dang that Internet and its youtubes), my eyelid starts twitching, which is a dead giveaway. And I only have 3 kids and one part-time job! What is your advice for aspiring female bullsh*tters?


Bad Bullsh*tter in Boca Raton


Dear Bad,

You should do what I did: get a decent—and versatile—weave for your hair (keeps 'em guessing!) and some thick-rimmed glasses and no one will even notice your twitching eyelids.

Keep up the underachieving!

Sarah xoxoxoxo

Monday, September 8, 2008

Jukebox: Eurythmics

Lord, Annie Lennox is a nut. She scared the crap out of me when I was a kid and saw her for the first time one Sunday night when I was upstairs in my parents bedroom secretly watching Solid Gold as they sat downstairs glued to 60 Minutes. Inexplicably, the patently inoffensive Marilyn McCoo introduced a song called "Love is a Stranger" and queued up the video, in which Annie Lennox plays a sensitive and damaged-looking blonde diva riding in the back of a limo who by the end of the video (only like 3 minutes!) and after several wig changes transforms into some sort of a slick retro-futuristic Prohibition-era gangster robo-lesbian-type. Oh just watch it. Anyway, my 12-year-old self just sat there in the dark mesmerized, murmuring, "This bitch is serious."

Well, Annie Lennox has never been more exquisitely off her rocker than in the video for bizarre latter-day Eurythmics single "Beethoven (I Love to Listen To)" from 1987, in which she plays an unhinged housewife who really just wants to be a drag queen. I've never understood this song and probably never will; all I know is it contains one of the best similes in pop music history:

"I was dreaming like a Texan girl.
A girl who thinks she's got the right to everything.
A girl who thinks she should have something extreme.

Oh just watch it. And as an added bonus, below is the video for "When Tomorrow Comes," the duo's poppiest ever song, and a fantastic display of '80s hair. The black backing singer's do is the result of a Cold War algorithm devised by Robert Oppenheimer in Los Alamos in 1943, but had never been tested until this video shoot. It could have been very dangerous if it had fallen into the wrong hands, but thankfully the Eurythmics just wanted to use it to rock our worlds and then Tom Cruise won the Cold War for us in 1989, so then everything was fine.

Sarah Palin Takes More of Your Questions!!

Vice Presidential contender Sarah Palin is currently playing strip canasta with Dick Cheney in an undisclosed location, but she took a break this afternoon to field another SeeTimBlog reader question.

Dear Sarah,

I think it is perfectly fine for you not to have to take questions from the media, who are totally out to get you, just like they were out to get Dan Quayle, Geraldine Ferarro, Jack Kemp, Lyndon Johnson, George H.W. Bush, and every other Vice Presidential candidate in history. You have been chosen by a POW, and that's enough for me. And isn't blindly relying on your judgement-impaired statesmen to make the right choices what democracy is all about? Anyway, one question I do think you need to answer is this: when is Bristol's baby shower?!


Pit Bull in Pittsburgh


Dear Pit Bull,

Hey Sister! You know, people really underestimate the way passionately watching hockey can prepare you to be the leader of the free world. Anyway, to answer your question, Bristol's baby shower is a private family matter, I'm afraid. Thankfully, though, there is no law against contributing to a presidential campaign and writing "for Bristol" on the check!

Taking Jaeger Shots for Jesus,

Sarah xoxoxoxo

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Breaking: Frank Rich Has a Smart Little Mouth

It's not often that I have a burning desire to quote Frank Rich in public, but the potent truth of one line about the RNC in his Sunday column cannot be denied:

"In the G.O.P., Bush love is now the second most popular love that dare not speak its name."

More impressive: it was a parenthetical.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Sarah Palin Takes a Break from Giving Her Ride a Tune-up to Answer Your Questions!!

You won't be seeing potential Vice President Sarah Palin on any of the liberal Sunday talk shows this weekend, but Sarah Palin trusts SeeTimBlog and its readers enough to submit herself to our tough questions. Keep 'em coming, and thanks again Sarah!

Dear Ms. Palin:

You are obviously qualified to step into the Presidency of the United States because you have a pregnant 17-year-old daughter and as Governor of Alaska you support abstinence-only sex education in public schools. That is definitely the kind of wisdom and coherence that we need in the White House. I'm wondering, though, about your thoughts on the growing threat of religious extremism across the world. What ideas do you have to combat such extremism in every country but the United States?


Busted in Boston


Dear Busted:

Thank you so much for your support. As you know, Barack Obama looks down on you and your ordinary problems. He thinks that being a former sportscaster and having 5 children and sexy librarian glasses don't qualify you to be the second most powerful person in the world. He is wrong. They do. I can be vice president. And you know what? You can. Your terminally ill grandmother can. Your dead high school principal can. Your ex-girlfriend with one leg longer than the other can. Any of us can be vice president. That is the lesson we must learn, from Jesus.

But to answer your question, which is a good one, and put me in mind of Ezekial 23:25:

""And I will set My jealousy against you, that they may deal with you in wrath. They will remove your nose and your ears; and your survivors will fall by the sword. They will take your sons and your daughters; and your survivors will be consumed by the fire."

So true. Anyway, I hope that clears things up!

God bless mooses!

Sarah xoxoxo

Friday, September 5, 2008

Ann and Nancy Wilson Will Bitchslap Sarah Palin

Oh shit, that Palin broad has done gone and pissed off the Wilson sisters. Ann and Nancy Wilson, the Seattle sisters who wrote and performed the absolute best power ballads of the 80s, also wrote a little track in the '70s called "Barracuda." Well, last night (or whenever) Sarah Palin, whose nickname in high school or tae kwon do class or the circus or the Teamsters or the PTA or whatever was "Sarah Barracuda," was strutting around to the strains of this feminist hard rock classic at the end of the Republican National Convention and when the Wilson sisters found out about this they looked at each other, flicked their hair out of their eyes, scowled, and emitted a resounding "Bitch, please."

Reads their official statement:

"Rock Group Heart Condemn The Use of The Song Barracuda at The Republican Convention. Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart have informed the McCain/Palin Campaign that Universal Music Publishing and Sony BMG have sent a cease-and-desist notice to not use one of Heart's classic songs "Barracuda," as the congratulatory theme for Sarah Palin. The Republican campaign did not ask for permission to use the song, nor would they have been granted that permission. We have asked the Republican campaign not to use our music. We hope our wishes will be honored."

And then, because these sisters are pissed, they released another statement saying

"Sarah Palin’s views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song ‘Barracuda’ no longer be used to promote her image. The song ‘Barracuda’ was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women. (The ‘barracuda’ represented the business.) While Heart did not and would not authorize the use of their song at the RNC, there’s irony in Republican strategists’ choice to make use of it there."

Yay for the Wilson sisters, feminiminism, and calling a bitch out!

Sarah Palin Answers Your Questions!

Because new Republican Veep Nominee Sarah Palin—the most successful cheerleader in all of Alaska—isn’t an elitist, she has agreed to answer questions from See Tim Blog readers. Thanks, Sarah!

Dear Sarah:

You are so cute, and you have a real way with snark. So obviously you are qualified to be the second most powerful person in the world, just like my mother and my crazy Aunt Barnacle. But, at the risk of sounding sexist, I just wondered—what are your plans for health care and can you tell us your thoughts on how the U.S. can best compete in the global marketplace with surging and seemingly unstoppable economies like those in China and India overshadowing the crippled American one and stuff?


Curious in Kentucky


Dear Curious:

Thanks for your questions and for watching my grand slam speech that I am now world famous for in which I slammed Barack Obama for his speeches.

The answer to both of your questions is: first, you must hang the moose head up or head down and then make a circular cut around the neck. Connect this cut with the one you’ve already made in the stomach during field dressing. (You
have already made this cut, right?) Then remove the hide by grasping the skin and pulling hard with both hands. (Make sure you are wearing a nail polish that matches the color of the knife handle; we’re not savages, ladies.) Use your knife to help free the hide from the carcass. Then get your hacksaw ready because you’ll have to use it to cut off the legs (just above the knees).

Then you send out rebate checks to all your Alaskan constituents and—poof—90 percent approval ratings!

Doing God’s Will in Iraq,

Sarah Palin xoxoxox

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Bunch of Assholes

I'm about to ramble. I know it's kind of unseemly of me, and I usually like to just take the easy way out and post funny pictures of the nation's dumbasses, but isn't the blogosphere supposed to be about unbridled anger? Well, count me in today. What a bunch of f**king assholes the Republican party is. Really, Mitt Romney? The Democrats are the party of Big Brother? Really? Here are a few words in response to that, you fucktard: unwarranted wiretapping; Guantanamo; pissing on habeas corpus; government in the bedroom; theocracy.

Oh, and here's another couple words: book banning. Yes, as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, new McCain Veep pick Sarah Palin wanted to fire a local librarian for not respecting her authority to decide what the public reads. Let's just be honest: if Palin weren’t a woman, it would be so dead obvious what the Republican party represents. If a typical white guy Republican had given the speech she gave last night, it would have been laughable that a political party that has f**ked up so much in the last 8 years is so sneeringly and brazenly unapologetic and dismissive not only of Democrats but of the 80 percent of the public who think the country’s f**ked. And now I'm going to be sexist and mean: I want to scratch that bitch’s eyes out, yank out that hair weave, and give it to that stupid baby they keep passing around for the cameras (and then asking the media to respect their family privacy) to spit up on. Is Downs Baby Trig on the ticket now? He's made more appearances at the convention than John freaking McCain. (Another thing: f**k Cindy McCain and her $300,000 convention wardrobe.)

Rudy Giuliani is a rat-faced whore. There, I said it. His comments about Obama being an elitist--this former mayor of the most cosmopolitan city in the U.S., who loves opera and the gay people who make it possible--would be laughable if they hadn't been so enthusiastically lapped up by the crowd.

On that note, let's unpack the Republican's weird pathological hatred for Obama, shall we? Let's see: he is the son of a single mother who pulled himself out of his modest circumstances through hard work, scholarships, and God-given brains, took the high road after finishing college to become a community organizer on the south side of Chicago--helping, among others, out-of-work former factory workers who had been left behind by local politicians, mind you--and later becoming a successful lawyer, writer, and lecturer, and later a state legislator and, of course, a national legislator. Obama, who the right likes to tag with the "no experience" label, then went on to run the most incredible political campaign in modern American history, beating--by a hair, of course--the formidable Clinton apparatus and bringing tons of new folks into the political process with his now-famous Internet fundraising campaign. He has not coasted. He's worked f**king hard. He wasn't plucked out of obscurity (like Palin) to be embraced by the public--he is where he is now because of talent and hard work. (Why am I such a sexist?)

Obama and his wife Michelle, she of that tres elite area of the country known as the south side of Chicago, are the embodiment of the American dream and they arrived at where they are by working hard, studying, being self-sufficient, and giving back. You would think these qualities would endear them to the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" crowd in the GOP. But no, it doesn't. Why? What is it about the Obamas that could engender such animosity and bad will? What about them is different? What could it possibly be? I just can't put my finger on it.

"Elitist" tag + "no experience" tag + "affirmative action candidate" insinuation = "uppity black"

Oh, and one last thing about the Obamas. Consider this: if the Obamas had a 17-year-old daughter who is pregnant out of wedlock (by a shit-talking high school yahoo) and this information came out, would the GOP be celebrating this fact, fawning over the family and their (very public) choice to have the baby? Or would they be shit-scared of the dysfunctional black family that can't keep their pants on and that will destroy the country with entitlement programs? Interesting question to consider, no?

And now there's the sexism card being used on behalf of Palin, a tactic that a few months ago Palin decried the use of by the Hillary campaign. Again: what a bunch of assholes.

Deliver us, Jon Stewart:

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Today in Growing Old Gracefully: Aretha Franklin

Good Lord, Aretha. What on earth? I take it you’ve been stocking up for the winter? Five winters? Ten winters? All I can say is at this point I hope you’re pushing for NATO membership. A mutual security arrangement is definitely called for here—you’re obviously in no state to defend yourself. (Watch out for Russia!)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Labor Day Weekend Report 1: Coney Island

Hey kids, do you sometimes wish to visit the seashore for some sunshine, sand, and seashells without the dreaded tedium of being surrounded by smoking hot, sinewy, tanned, muscular physiques playing volleyball, slapping suntan oil on each others backs, and sliding their taut, glistening bodies in and out of the pulsating ocean waves? Then you should go to Coney Island, where the future of American Type II Diabetics is proudly on display, half-naked and dancing.

I'm just going to assume this guy's name is Bill. He looks like a Bill, no? Anyway, he's at the karaoke gazebo with a t-shirt on that says Psych Ward and he's singing, naturally, Lou Rawls' "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine." The crowd freaking loves him.

Here's a gentleman with a series of snakes wrapped around his body and a parrot on his head.

Same guy, walking away disappointed because the chick in the bikini didn't take him seriously as an artist.


Me and a monster

Yes, that is a picture of Sponge Bob getting waterboarded by Squidward and saying "It don't GITMO better!" Sigh.