Thursday, February 23, 2012

Contagion: A Sad Dispatch from the Gaypocalypse

It’s happened. It’s all happened. We could have stopped it, but we didn’t.

Oh sure, we’d been warned. Told in shrill tones of the perilous consequences, the slippery slope, the descent into moral madness that would surely happen if we insisted on charting this new course of selfish depravity. But we didn’t listen. You and I have always made a point of not taking seriously grown men wearing either sweater vests or gilded robes and crowns. Turns out that, unbeknownst to us, these seeming Cassandras were absolutely right, much as it pains me to admit it. Now all hell has broken loose. Our country is as good as Gomorrah. The four horsemen have arrived.

[continue reading at The Nervous Breakdown]

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Suck It, Santorum, We're Garried!

Well it's now official. Jimmy and I have tied the knot--though, because we were both really bad Boy Scouts, we had to use some tape. And just like that--poof, if you will--traditional marriages nationwide are completely meaningless. Guess what, breeders: you're gonna have to up your game. Sure, you can still have children without bureaucratic intervention, but who wants that bullsh*t? Not this gaywad. We've got a cat, and she keeps us plenty busy, with her piano lessons and kendo competitions (and sleeping).

Anyway, be warned, straight America, we're right behind you, snapping maniacally, with our ringed fingers.

Oh, and many many thanks to all our friends for their lovely messages of love and support. We love you back! And extra special thanks to Rachel Roth and Todd Colberg for being our witnesses and taking pictures. And to Sarah Pasell for the meat 'n cheese plate and blush wine!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

My Plan to Destroy Traditional Marriage Almost Complete Mwa Ha Ha

So Jimmy and I twirled on down to the City Clerk's Office here in NYC (kidding; we're too old to twirl) on Monday to finish our paperwork for Ruining Traditional Marriage 4 Ever LOL. (Bumper sticker forthcoming.) We're both very excited about the prospect of demolishing the marriages of Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and Kim Kardashian. (Wait.) After we say our vows and such next Monday in our matching tracksuits we will have completed our master plan, and within minutes, (1) dumb Todd Palin will be sucking the cock of tea party nutbag Joe Miller on the snowy tundra of Alaska while Mitt Romney leans against a snow blower and strokes himself, (2) right-wing wind-up Barbie Gretchen Carlson will mercifully trade that awful helmet hairstyle in for "the Ellen," and (3) Sarah Palin and Fox's Megyn Kelly will check into a Days Inn under cover of night to officially become scissor sisters, yay. (This last relationship, interestingly, will be frantically supported by all remaining straight Republican males for about six minutes every day, while they're alone in their bathrooms.)

Jimmy and I, in short, will not rest until every single human in the United States, even the fugly ones like every single dude at Fox News and all members of any tea party anywhere, are naked, sweaty, and plowing the fields of Godless gay love furiously, feverishly, phonetically, until the entirety of God's country is covered in a glaze of gross santorum and used dildos.

Once our plan is finally complete we will then take our gay agenda directly to the people of this nation. We will go around the country forcing everyone to build floats for the next Gay Pride parade, which is tomorrow, and which will take place every day, in every town, on every street, until the second coming of Freddy Mercury.

In conclusion, very soon almost the entire world will be gay and any remaining straight people will have to migrate to Newt Gingrich's moon colony, the end. Also, we'll be taking over the moon pretty soon.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Tune in Tokyo Reviewed in Tokyo's Metropolis Magazine

Yay! This is Tokyo's #1 English-language magazine and I'm thrilled to get all written up in there. Those of you who have read TiT may remember me mentioning this publication in the chapter "...And on Drums." I used its classified listings to find musicians to play with.

Anyway, you can read the review here.