Friday, August 28, 2009

Quote of the Week

This comes courtesy of an attendee at Crazee Michele Bachmann's town hall in Minnesota yesterday:

“I’ll be danged if I am going to give up my Social Security because of socialism,” Schaffer said, before being booed by the crowd.

Oh, and to make this fool's words even sweeter, there's this nugget:

LeRoy Schaffer, a St. Francis city council member, dressed in a tuxedo and top hat for the occasion. Shaffer got visibly emotional asking Bachmann about the future of health care and the role of special interests in Washington.

So readers, is Shaffer danged or isn't he? Hard to tell!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Kansas Rep. Lynn Jenkins Has Got a Big Mouth

You might think I'm referring to her recent careless and retarded (but only mildly racist, let's be honest) comments to a gathering in her district that the GOP is looking for a "great white hope" to stop Obama's and the Democrats' agenda. No, I'm not actually referring to that.

I'm referring to her actual mouth. That thing is freakin' huuge.

Good Lord, Everyone's Dying

Teddy, John Hughes, Dominick Dunne, Billy Mays, Walter Cronkite, Robert Novak, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson. This is the summer of death is it not? There's only one thing to do to stave off despair: someone needs to hurry up and remix the above speech into a hot dance track. Hurry up!

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Socrates Sculpture Park, Queens

Sculpture parks are where people go at night to get it on. It's a fact, since the dawn of time. If there are no sculpture parks in your town, you go to a rose garden somewhere. No rose garden? Go to makeout mountain. If you live in a town that doesn't even have a makeout mountain, just get your ass behind a Quickie Mart. (Interesting fact: most American babies are conceived behind Quickie Marts--a depressing sign of our horrible infrastructure/public sex options.)

Anyway, sculpture parks can also be visited in the daytime when you are fully clothed and not even planning on kissing with tongue (though you really should watch where you step). Jimmy and I went to one such park in Queens, the Socrates Sculpture Park, and I brought my camera phone just in case we happened upon any nudity.

It appears that we happened to visit the park on a week when things are in flux--pieces still being worked on and such. But I think we got the gist.

This piece is going to be great when they unveil it.

That furniture warehouse is not part of the sculpture park.

These cakes looked delicious but they tasted like cardboard.

The site of a gruesome crime against whales.

Shit! That reminds me, I left my jam box at Trina's.

My favorite piece because I love hoodies.

That dog needs a hoodie.

A rat. Behind the guy.

This piece reminds me of this time I was at the Park Hyatt hotel in Tokyo just browsing around looking at all of the art in their many lobbies and I sat down and looked beside me on the marble bench-type-thing I was sitting on and there was a fork so I tried to pick up the fork so I could take it to the reception desk and practice how to say "I found this fork, is it yours?" in Japanese, but the thing was, the fork was glued to the marble. It was art! That's what this piece reminds me of. Oh wait, that's my bike chain.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Today in Brain Games

If you stare at the above picture of Ukrainian soldiers marching down Kiev's main street long enough, you'll see the image of Gloria Gaynor on a cross. If you simultaneously blink your eyes rapidly, you'll be magically transported to NYC's Roxy in the 80s. (Tell Madonna I said hi.) If you also stand on your head and whistle, you should put that up on youtube.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Laydeez I Love: This Elderly Gal Who Gently Smacks Down Chuck Grassley and His Idiot Lies

The lying liars on the Republican side have been singing the same awful song lately when discussing health care, saying that they oppose the "public option" because of a study by the Lewin Group that says it's baaaaaaaaad. They're all repeatedly referencing this shadowy Lewin Group over and over on the teevee while gesturing wildly, like a bunch of wrinkled old back-up singers. And who is the Lewin Group? Oh, just a wholly-owned subsidiary of United Health Care.

Anyway, this well-informed grammie calls out fibbing toad Chuck Grassley on his disingenuousness on this point and, in the process, has won my heart forever. She even breaks down how much the CEO of United Health makes per hour! Hire her, Obama.

This woman should win a Peabody and have her own MSNBC show.

Jukebox: "Free Nelson Mandela" by The Specials

It's Friday again and time to dance with your computers, yay!

You know, when I saw this video on MTV when I was a kid back in 1984, I didn't even know who Nelson Mandela was, I just knew that he had to be free. (MTV used to teach you things.) And I would do anything--including traveling down to South Africa with this handsome handsome lead singer on a private plane with a hot tub--to make this happen. The band's later single "Leave Nelson Mandela Alone about Divorcing His Wife After Getting Out of Prison" wasn't as big a hit, but it was a ballad, so you couldn't dance to it.

It was this video that made me want to pursue a career in street dancing, btw.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Secret Tranny Lover Rush Limbaugh Makes Same Uranus Joke You Heard in Middle School

Fat lizard Rush Limbaugh is such a tired old piece of shittrash devoid of any new jokes that yesterday he had to reach into the deepest recesses of his reptilian memory sacks (made of farts) in order to produce a fag joke about Barney Frank that didn't even make any sense.

As you probably know now, Barney Frank pwned a dumb mule of a woman at a town hall meeting the other day when she showed up with a Obama-is-a-Nazi poster and complained about the Nazi policies Frank is following. "On what planet do you spend most of your time?" Frank asked the stupid cow.

So Rush decides that this is a great opportunity to make a butthole joke in order to delight his chronically masturbating audience, because as we all know, only fags love buttholes, and Limbaugh's audience loves jerking off to butthole jokes that mention fags, and Frank is certainly a fag. So he says,

Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?

Ha ha! Yes! It is! Wait. Who's anus? Your anus? So is Rush calling his audience fags who allow Barney Frank near their anuses? Who exactly is the, er, butt of the joke? His humor is enigmatic.

And who really believes that piggy little Rush Limbaugh, dedicated lover of the Dominican Bachelor Tours, hasn't hoisted his tub of genitals up against an anus? It's included in the package deal!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hello Kitty and Friends Dispatched to Hong Kong Mall to Rescue Lost Shoppers

The three lost shoppers, flanked by Team Kitty, greet the public after wandering around an underground shopping mall hallway for hours without Facebook or Twitter access.
Bill Clinton isn't the only famous person who can swoop into Asia to save/charm the laydeez. Hello Kitty has her powers, too. These three Hong Kong shoppers thought they were taking an elevator down to a special sale on barrettes, but they ended up in a tortuous dark hallway with no exits and no bargain bins. Even worse, because this hallway was deep underground (halfway to America!), they couldn't update their Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace pages with their "lost" status.

Thankfully, Hello Kitty, Japan's most licensed character by freaking miles, knows when there are shoppers in trouble. She made quick work of finding the sad subterranean Hong Kong ladies and returning them to ground level, where they showed their appreciation by making a beeline to the Kitty Lab exhibition celebrating Kitty's 35th anniversary and buying a bunch of dumb Hello Kitty bullsh*t.

Hello Kitty is next off to LA, where she will save Lindsay Lohan from herself.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This Common Seal Is Not Convinced that Sarah Palin Actually Knows What "Orwellian" Means

Also known as a "harbor" seal, this common seal really wishes that Sarah Palin would give him a break.
And this isn't an elitist seal, either. This seal is from Point Lobos, California, where seals live off the land and don't go to fancy ivy league schools where they learn how best to hate America. Still, this seal's favorite book is Animal Farm, so he knows his Orwell, and Sarah Palin, this seal believes very strongly, has no idea who the f*ck George Orwell was.

Sarah Palin, the now fulltime moose f*cker from Alaska, has lately taken to spending her weekends drinking meth cocktails and Facebooking, with results like:

Health care by definition involves life and death decisions. Human rights and human dignity must be at the center of any health care discussion.

Rep. Michele Bachmann highlighted the Orwellian thinking of the president’s health care advisor, Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the brother of the White House chief of staff, in a floor speech to the House of Representatives.

"Riiiiiiiiight," said the seal. "Who taught her that word? Bill Kristol?"

I'm with the seal. The last time the word "Orwellian" was used by an American politician, it was John Kerry, and Sarah Palin thought he was speaking French.

In conclusion, Sarah Palin will now shoot this seal from a helicopter, in typical Orwellian fashion.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

North Carolina Republicans Still Dumb (After All These Years)

Ok, I'm still on vacation, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't post the above front page photo from Raleigh's News and Observer, which greeted my smiling face from the window of an Atlantic Beach newspaper box this morning.

Click the photo for hilarity.

You know, ever since Jesse Helms left the national stage of the U.S. Senate in Washington, DC and retired in my hometown of Raleigh, NC (more time to spend looking at all his Robert Mapplethorpe coffee table books in his secret office/kitten dungeon down in the basement, I guess)--and then worse, actually died, North Carolina has gotten short shrift in the national media when it comes to the prominent display of crazy dumb white people spouting about the coloreds through their jowls. That's just not right, because God knows, the crazy didn't leave North Carolina when Jesse did.

So thank baby Jesus for this health care debate, am I right? The dingbats were out in full force, 250 strong outside US Senator Kay Hagan's Raleigh office to oppose health reform and urge for greater regulation of birth certificates (no darkies). (If you haven't noticed the mistake in the woman on the left's sign yet, just hurry up and read the top line.)

Pure. Poetry.

My brother Kevin and I were just discussing what she would answer if you asked her what socialism was, and we both agreed that if she said "Nazis" you had permission to beat her upside the head.

And who is she kidding anyway? That bitch don't scrimp on the pubic option.

UPDATE: It appears the N and O has cropped the Photo of the Year on their website. Look here:

Freedom Works must have sent in their goons.

Oh, and just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean you shouldn't be having fun, so here's a video of Jack Imel tap dancing and playing the xylophone, just like I used to do while locked in the band closet in middle school during lunch.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Discuss Their Forthcoming Beach Vacation

Keepin' it Large

Tim: What books are you bringing?
Jimmy: I'll just find some when I get there.

Tim stuffs some books into his bag, including two Agatha Christie novels.

Jimmy: Gay much?
Tim: (holding up a copy of What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw) What's gay about Agatha Christie?
Jimmy: (???!)

Tim tosses into his bag some Hemingway novel or other.

Bye, losers! We're off to join the South Korean military!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

New Fun Thing: Obama Birth Certificate Generator

Now we can all be Orly Taitz, yay! Who wouldn't want to follow in the footsteps of the stubbornly deranged lawyer/dentist/Russian/orthopedist/
masseuse/cashier/beauty school dropout who will not rest until the Obama presidency is brought down by a deluge of fake birth certificates? Here's mine.

When will Obama kill Orly Taitz's grandmother with Medicare and health insurance reform so that all this suspicion and paranoia can be addressed once and for all?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Reasons to Join the South Korean Special Warfare Command

As if you needed a reason. Look at those ribs. Why can't our armed forces be this brazenly gay? (Maybe it is? In secret?) Just to be clear: these are not Faye Wong's go-go boys practicing their routine on the beach. These are South Korean special warfare command soldiers doing an exercise during a sea infiltration drill. In speedos. Speedos, y'all.

Obviously I can't join the U.S. military because of gayness. Sadly, I don't think I'd be able to join the South Korean military either--there's no way I'd even get one leg through those things. Would have to wear that Speedo round my wrist.

Speaking of the Korean peninsula, welcome back Laura Ling and Euna Lee!!!!

Pyongyang Afterparty

New Fun Thing: Famous Movie Family Portraits

This guy is great. He does colored-pencil family portraits featuring your favorite movie families, like the ones from Poltergeist, The Lost Boys, and The Jerk. My favorite is the one above of the Torrance family from The Shining.

The Shining
, of course, features one of American cinema's greatest love stories, between Jack Nicholson's Jack and Shelley Duvall's Wendy. There's also little Danny, who's retarded or something, but the real drama comes from the exhilaratingly passionate scenes between Jack, Wendy (who I think is also retarded--sorry! I mean brain disabled), and an axe.