Sunday, July 24, 2011

Oh, Miss Winehouse

Jeez, this is depressing. Not a huge surprise, no, but just so freaking sad. Amy Winehouse was a force of freaking nature. One listen to any one of her songs--or a viewing of, say, the videos for the swinging high-drama "Back to Black" or the trampy, stomping "My Tears Dry On Their Own"--and you knew there was no denying that this lady was, in PJ Harvey's system of measurement, a 50-ft Queenie. Her hair alone could have had a fabulous career. Huge bummer.

Above is footage of her last public appearance, dancing on stage on July 20 while her god-daughter, Dionne Bromfeld, sang. Amy looks, yes, a little fucked up, but she also looks happy.

RIP, Miss Amy.

Also, here is a delightful interview by Jonathan Ross from 2003 or so when her first album came out.

Friday, July 22, 2011

This Is What I Looked Like When I Showed Up To Work Today

Yes, I looked like a sweaty, sagging, and soaking-wet 140-year-old woman of indeterminate race. My shirt was clinging to my body like Marcus Bachman does to his Top Gun Special Edition DVD with the deleted post-volleyball shower scene. It's so hot outside today that it's painful. Really painful. Painful like Marcus Bachman trying to slam his flipper feet into the high heels he bought for Michele. I caught my reflection in the glass of a movie theater window as I passed by it and saw that my face was so agonized from the heat I looked like I was weeping. Weeping hard. Weeping like Marcus Bachman at a midnight showing of The Boys in the Band.

In conclusion, Marcus Bachman is a gay barbarian.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Announcing the Arrival of Your New Favorite Band That Has a Viola Player In It

Folks, there are tons of bands out there begging for attention from the unwashed masses of folks who want music for free. And everyone's wondering, "Which one of these bands is the next Lady Gaga?" Well, I'm here to tell you, my band simpleshapes is not the next Lady Gaga, but we are pretty close, and here's why: First, we are attention whores. Second, I was wearing a meat dress when my bandmate Taylor saw me playing viola on the NYC subway. Third, why do you need a third? That's two very good reasons.

Anyway, yeah, simpleshapes is the musical outfit that fits your active lifestyle the best. Five out of seven dermatologists agree. Below is a homemade video of one of our songs, "A Heart." There are also a few more tracks at our Reverb Nation page, because why not? The simpleshapes material is the first three. (The other tracks are Taylor's old stuff that we haven't re-recorded yet.) Enjoy them! Also, please "like" us, "become our fan," and "give us blowjobs." This will help our doomed careers.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Why Is This Cheeto Trying to Seduce Me?

You know, I typically like to eat my Cheetos surreptitiously, without the prying eyes of those who would judge me. But how am I supposed to keep things on the downlow when into my hand falls such a suggestive Cheeto? This is primo top-tier grade-A sexual harassment. The inanimate kind, which is the worst. When's the last time you were sexually harassed by a corn-based salty snack? It's been a while, hasn't it?

This is the most unnerving snack-related sexytime since the time a pile of Fritos Scoops gave me that hella painful back rub.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th, Paytreeuts!

Hello, illiterate nation, it's your birthday, so have a cupcake, have two! It's been a few years since I've revisited the above video, but the magic is still all up in there, in the cinematography, hair, drama, teeth, clouds, pronunciation, stars, stripes, waves, children, tank top, angels, and much, much more. This is the second most patriotic video ever made (the first is the Todd and Sarah Palin sex tape, which is surely out there; the third is the youtube of Ann Coulter eating a Mexican anchor baby).

Don't forget to sit through the three minutes of credits that start at the halfway mark. Don't you want to know who all you should thank for this? Of course you do. But in case you don't have time, I'll present to you below a short list of those responsible:

To My Family:
Danger Dog
Puppy Jr, Honey, Honey
B & W
M & M
Mr. Blago
And All Our Loves to Come

But what about 3 Musketeers, Incense, Charity, and Long Island? Don't they deserve some credit for this?