Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Shootin' It, In Which Jimmy and Tim Continue to Discuss Lost, Season 5

Love Richard

Jimmy: Why hasn't Richard Alpert taken his shirt off yet?

Tim: It's been, like, three seasons!

Jimmy: That's a disgrace. I'm sick of seeing Sawyer's tired leather pecs.

Tim: Why isn't this guy on the cover of every magazine created by humans?

Jimmy: Because his name is Nestor maybe?

Tim: If he's married I'm gonna barf.

Jimmy: Oh! He's got a whole DVD special feature dedicated to him!

Tim: He better f**king take his shirt off in it.

Jimmy: I wanna see bush.

Tim: I did a Google image search of him and there isn't a single shirtless picture. That means none exist.

Jimmy: I bet [our friend] Brian has one.

Tim: F**king call him!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Shootin' It, In Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Today: Lost, Fifth Season

Tim: Wait, why did they go back to the island again?

Jimmy: So the other people won't die.

Tim: And why are they gonna die again?

Jimmy: Because of the island.

Tim: But how?

Jimmy: Because of the island.

Tim: You don't know, do you?

Jimmy: Who cares?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Editorial: All Bicyclists Are Not Crusty

Hoo, boy, this Williamsburg Hasidic Jew-Hipster Cyclist turf war is the culture clash of our time, and it has something for everyone (or at least two types of people). Do you hate hipsters who ride bikes? Also, do you kinda hate Hasidic Jews? Congratulations! You now have more reasons to do so.

Further, do you really hate hipsters who ride bikes? Do you like to conjure false and hackneyed equivalencies between the two "religions" represented by this epic struggle? And is your name Tunku Varadarajan? Well, then, you should certainly type up a column and upload it to Tina Brown's online kitchen-sink clearinghouse of cloying claptrap The Daily Beast, because you are obviously a deeply thinking human.

Here's a condensed version of the hot war currently being waged: Williamsburg Hasids recently prevailed on the city of New York to remove the bike lane on Bedford Avenue for safety and religious reasons: not only did the lanes make a narrow street even narrower for cars, but the presence of young ladies on bicycles in various states of undress was rendering some Hasids unable to read their holy book while also driving a minivan because of boobs and such. Then a few Williamsburg bike riders cheekily repainted the lane one night and then got arrested.

Here's how Master Sensei Tunku lays out the case against bikers:

Cyclists . . . pursue a form of zealotry of their own. They have quasi-religious garments (Day-Glo jackets), they follow austere codes of discipline (exercise and low fat), they think they know the one and true way (cycling), and they demand special treatment for the Church of Lycra (bike lanes). Also, they trail a frightful whiff of sweat in their wake. (But the same can be observed, sometimes, on a sweltering summer’s day, of those who dress as if for a winter in Vilna.) More broadly, is it entirely surprising that respect for a religious community is often a challenge to hipsters who have been raised outside any religious tradition?

Ugh, has there ever been a more tortured effort at equating two sides in a debate? Yeah, and he also says that many cyclists "are eco-bombastic crusaders with an ungovernable contempt for non-cycling scum." (Mr. Varadarajan, I do indeed have contempt for you, but not because you don't ride a bicycle.)

As airtight as Tunku's logic is, I must point out the tiniest of gaping holes in it: some people who ride bikes actually aren't hipsters—even in crusty, crunchy, skinny-jeaned Williamsburg and its best gay friend Greenpoint (where I live)! I know this goes against Tunku's science, but it's true. And many people ride bikes simply because they prefer to commute that way, not because they are smug, dirty hippies who calculate their carbon footprint every evening before alphabetizing their Kashi cereal boxes.

Let's get something straight: bicyclists are often assholes. I say this as a bicyclist. At least once a day I see a fellow cyclist do something really irritating and dangerous. I myself have no doubt done things that are irritating and dangerous. One reason bicyclists are assholes is because people are constantly trying to kill them, even when they aren't doing things that are irritating and dangerous. If you've ever biked in this city you are familiar with the intense and naked hatred many drivers around you feel toward you. But whatever, I'm perfectly fine being called an asshole. But don't you dare call me a hippy.

I don't bike to save the Earth. I don't bike to feel superior to others. I sure as hell don't bike to show off my body's way with lycra or day-glo jackets, neither of which I've ever worn.

Here's why I bike: so I don't have to pay for a monthly MTA card, so I don't have to ride the terrible L train, and so I can start my day by having a good 45-minute workout before sitting down at a computer for 8-9 goddamn hours.

I don't give a crap if you drive a Prius, a BMW, or a freaking Hummer. As long as you don't hit me with it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Horrifying Kewpie Doll Chorus Tells Tokyo Shopper He Must Kill Hello Kitty

The famous Hello Kitty-Kewpie Doll rivalry has obviously gone off the rails. Kewpie, the more sinister of the two beloved cute-zilla monsters, is now upping the ante, enlisting the help of emotionally unbalanced but available fans to do its dirty work, as seen in the chilling image above of a Kewpie coterie in Tokyo hypnotizing a devoted follower with mesmeric chants of demonic and adorable evil.

This Kitty-Kewpie meow-fight is like Itchy and Scratchy multiplied by Bette Davis/Joan Crawford to the power of Sarah Palin/Katie Couric.

And Kewpie is obviously taking its cues from Ms. Palin.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

My Cat Stella Apparently Also Slept with Tiger Woods

I wish I could say I'm surprised, but my cat Stella has a reputation around our neighborhood for getting wet 'n wild while we're not at home.

What did shock and sadden me, though, was the vast array of things she let Tiger do to her during their hookups: scratch her under the neck, for example. Kiss her on her wet nose. Cuddle with her in the bed. Squeeze her paws until she rasps. Feed her catnip from his buttcrack. These types of activities that all cat owners have a special and exclusive right to. Are no bonds sacred?!

Baby Jesus, please don't let there be a sex tape.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Republican Hunger Strike Not Going as Planned

As you know, a handful of clever Republicans recently declared a hunger strike to protest Obama's socialist agenda for America and the Middle East. They stood on the Capitol steps and vowed to not eat a single crumb until Obama had solved Iraq, Afghanistan, the deficit, the mortgage crisis, unemployment, and pig AIDS without hurting small businesses. But though they were smugly confident that the White House would not let them starve, they are probably giving their whole approach to policy making a rethink. Because, see, they now have not eaten in weeks, and no one--not one single person--has offered them as much as a Hot Pocket for their troubles. Perhaps they should have organized a sit-in at the congressional cafeteria instead? (They have Freedom Fries.) Eric Cantor is starving!

Senator James Inhofe (left) looks terrible but Kay Bailey Hutchison (right) looks worse.

Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh said they could not participate in the strike because they had just ordered a big tub of cheese fries when it was announced and anyway, they're just entertainers.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Awkward Singing Fiddler Dept: Alexander Rybak

Oh, this video is terrible. And by that I mean awful. Eurovision, the annual Eurotrash song contest that gave ABBA its first taste of success in the 1970s, never disappoints in the "sequined and/or vested hilarity" department, and this year's winner, Norway's Alexander Rybak, is no exception. He's sure cute (for a fiddler), but he can't really sing and words can't really express how hideous this song is. Even by Eurovision standards this is appalling. By which I mean, obviously, that it's awesome.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Guess Jimmy and I Will Have to Go Ahead and Cancel That Big Gay Trip to Uganda

Well, this is disappointing to say the least. Listen up, New York gays. I know you're down in the dumps about marriage equality being voted down by an otherwise completely unproductive state senate, but think of it this way: at least those tedious zombies in Albany don't (openly) wish to put us to death, yay!

If you believe in the "doth protest too much" theory of gay leanings (so to speak), then naturally you're under the impression that the entire country of Uganda is just chock full of self-hating homos. That's sad, but who cares about them? What about the Ugandan homos who have the nerve to NOT hate themselves (like this fella)? Well, if this bill is passed, they will be thrown in jail for life or maybe put to death, who knows?

Worse, y'all: This bill has broad support among the Ugandan public. And it affects more than just gays. If you know a gay and don't tell the authorities, you are guilty, so fess up queer-lover.

Worser, y'all: three noted American evangelicals who are active in the ex-gay movement (so to speak) are tied up in this mess. Read this.

Worser still, y'all: Rick Warren, the smug author of The Purpose-Driven Life that all of our mothers love and who has strong ties to Uganda's evangelical community, has refused to denounce this terrible bill, saying "The fundamental dignity of every person, our right to be free, and the freedom to make moral choices are gifts endowed by God, our creator. However, it is not my personal calling as a pastor in America to comment or interfere in the political process of other nations."

So basically, Rick Warren believes in the fundamental dignity of every person but doesn't want to speak out against dignified gays being killed by their government because that would be meddling. Hmmm. I wonder how he felt about the "political process" known as apartheid in South Africa in the '80s. Do you think he felt comfortable speaking out against that? And how about honor killings in the Muslim world? Does he not want to choose sides in that civilized debate?

In conclusion, Rick Warren is a hog and Uganda has forever forfeited its claim to my sexy gay tourist dollars, so there.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Camera-Wielding Chinese Women Attacked by Giant Zombie Aids Ribbon

It's so sad when good ribbons go bad. I remember when the pink breast cancer awareness ribbon attacked that orphanage in Cairo a few years back. When will we as a culture realize that it's a moral imperative that we provide these overworked awareness ribbons with the support they need before they snap and go nuts at a train station in Beijing?

Someone really needs to do something before a lonely and desperate Livestrong bracelet blows up a wedding in Tucson.