These Things They Call Tears

In an early scene in the second best movie in the history of cinema, Flash Gordon, the titular hero faces execution on the planet Mongo for crimes against the state or something. Mings's daughter Princess Aura (the ice cold bitch pictured above) remarks to her father Ming the Merciless, Emporer of Mongo, upon seeing that Flash's Earthbabe Dale Arden is crying as she watches her unrequited hunk of man face the gas chamber,

"Look! Water is leaking form her eyes."

Her wise father responds,

"It's what they call tears. It's a sign of their weakness."

Now, I'm obviously exactly like Princess Aura in any number of ways (we both have pet dwarves named Fellini, for one). And when it comes to crying at weddings or executions, we're, like, the exact same person. I too am mystified by these things they call tears when they burst from the eyes of people watching other people get married. It's just never happened to me and I could never understand it. Well, last weekend changed everything and now I'm so much more like Dale Arden.

My friends Eddie and Sarah got married at Caffe Driade in Chapel Hill last Saturday and it was a veritable Teardrop Tsunami. Do you know how hard it is to take pictures on a shitty camera phone when your eyeballs are full of water? It's like trying to dance the Charleston in heels on top of a mound of quicksand. (Trust me, I've tried.) But I was able to get a few good ones, which will probably make you cry.


Sarah highkicks her way down the aisle.


I ask my friend Claire:


what song is accompanying Sarah's walk down the aisle. It's so familiar.
"That's because it's 'Killer Queen' by Queen," Claire says, dabbing at her eyes.



Bridesmaid Dani reads the lyrics to "I Want Action Tonight"
by Poison, which I thought was kinda inappropriate but so, so touching.


Even my camera phone is crying.


The newly married couple greets their public and quickly makes
their way to the champaign table. As Princess Aura said to
the doctor she's screwing just before he injects Flash with
some kind of future space antidote and brings him back to life,
"Hurry! Before the lizardmen come!"