Monday, June 23, 2008

Olympic Swimming's Sartorial Nosedive

There's been a horrific development in the world of Olympic swimming. Speedo, the swimwear company that can usually be relied upon to provide skimpy male suits that allow for optimal display of supple male flesh, has introduced the Speedo LZR Racer suit, a kind of state-of-the-art bodysuit that is credited with helping its wearers to set 38 new world records since its introduction in February.

This is disgusting news, obviously. The LZR Racer, which hides the human body under a tedious layer of dark, sexless spandex or whatever is set to become the new standard swimsuit for Olympians. According to Speedo's website, the suit is made of "a fabric designed to mimic the denticles of the world's fastest aquatic creature the shark." Yeah, and when was the last time you thought to yourself, "wow, that shark is hot! I'd hit that." It's been a while, right?

These new bodysuits might be good news for swimmers in their pursuit of Olympic gold, like Michael Phelps, whose nipples should by law be on display at all times. But it is a soul-crushing development for spectators of the event. These new suits are all spandex and no sex appeal; they magically turn whatever dude is wearing them into a Ken Doll eunuch. What is this sport coming to? In 2012 will Phelps be wearing a rubber priest's smock? Is that where we're headed?

Phelps in happier times

Phelps strapped into the LZR Racer, which
makes him faster in the water, but also pale,
sad, and less interesting.

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