Juice Newton was my first concert, when I was all of 12 years old. I'm not bragging, it's just the truth. It was at an amphitheater on Lake Chautauqua in upstate New York, and I went, naturally, with my 60-year-old Aunt Sue and her 70-year-old friend Evie. Juice rocked hard, and you could see her bangs from space.
Well, the magic was relived (kind of) last Saturday night, at the unlikely venue of Tortilla Flats in the West Village. As my drunk friends and I were sipping on our frozen Margaritas, the first strains of a long-forgotten tune flurried out of the restaurant’s jukebox. The faces of a few folks around the dining area began lighting up as they recognized the tune, and soon enough I felt a jolt of electricity pulsate through my tequila-soaked body as I realized that the tune in question was Juice Newton’s “Queen of Hearts.” The entire restaurant erupted in a jovial cacophony of woefully incorrect lyrics and open-palmed tabletop drumming. The waitstaff, who I guess were also drunk, took the opportunity to put down their trays, crank up the volume, and perform their best Solid Gold moves. It was enchanting.
But that was just a teaser. After “Queen of Hearts” was over and just as I began to feel the inevitable soul-crushing come-down that always follows such a massive high, Magic Jesus smiled down on us, said to himself, “These folks deserve another hot track,” and commanded the jukebox to spit out a second Juice classic. The first dramatic chords of “Angel of the Morning” blasted from the sound system, and once again the whole restaurant was on Cloud Newton, swinging, swaying, and braying like a bunch of muppets. As innumerable hands and second-rate voices, including my own, reached up to heaven during the emotional chorus
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
I realized with misty eyes that, yes, this is the moment that my entire life has been leading up to. Sadly, this moment only lasted for about 3 ½ minutes. But it was sure powerful.
So! In honor of special times like this, how about we watch a few of my zany mistress’s musical videos for old time’s sake? Enjoy all that hair!
Queen of Hearts
Angel of the Morning
Love's Been a Little Bit Hard on Me
UPDATE: Oh, fuck it, here's another one.
The Sweetest Thing (I've Ever Known)
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