Monday, August 2, 2010

Today in Disappointing Cracker Jack Prizes

It's been absolutely forever since I bought a box of Cracker Jack treats, but I did a few days ago when I had one of my patented diabetic low blood sugar attacks. I was wandering around the store going down the line of the sugar-packed options on the shelf and saying to myself, "boring," "boring," "gross," "not gross enough," "boring," "too gooey," "gross," "not gooey enough," etc. Then I came upon the Cracker Jack boxes and paused. Hadn't had that in a while. And there's a prize inside!

So I picked up a box, bought it, and tore into it as I walked back to my office. (The food-type substance inside, by the way, will now be filed under "gross.") When I got back I was all set to throw the box into the trash and out of my life when a tiny slip of glossy paper (above) emerged from the box and onto my desk. Oh shit, I'd forgotten about the prize.

There was Cracker Jack himself, saluting me and urging me to "guess what's inside." Since I tend to follow whatever orders I'm given by a uniformed sailor, especially if his orders are that alluring, I wasted no time in opening along the perforation and embracing my destiny. And you know what? As usual, my destiny was lame.

I don't even know what to say about this. A "pencil topper"? What does that even mean? Who uses pencils in this day and age? I remember the days of yore when a Cracker Jack prize was something useful like a recipe or a cock ring. But this?


jimmy said...

I thought pencil topper referred to a queen that will only get fucked by really skinny guys, no fattys.

Rachell Roth said...

no fattys indeed! where's the efing decoder ring? where did you find a box of cracker jacks? Were you at a baseball game?