Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Santa Unable to Save Christmas This Year

Well, it's official. Christmas is officially ruined forever, thanks to the immense debt Santa and his wife have taken on in the past few years buying up x-boxes, Wiis, and stupid Elmo dolls for spoiled, truculent children the world over whose parents couldn't repay the loans and figured that Santa would just take care of it. Well guess what, dummies, Santa is only human, and he cannot be expected to just absorb your bad debts, like he was the US government or something.

Anyway, because his sleigh has been repossessed and most of his reindeer have died of starvation, now poor Santa and his lone remaining reindeer, Blitzen, have to use a complicated (but cheap) system of pulleys, wires, and harnesses to scale what were once—in better times—easily scalable buildings so they can get inside and deliver a bag full of depressing toys—like the window squeegee pictured above—to sad, desperate children who will just cry when they realize that the squeegee is all they're getting because their parents are complete and utter bankrupted failures.

Also, sleighless Santa has had to start his delivery two days early, which means, children, that the squeegees very possibly didn't have time to go through his usually rigorous safety testing and will no doubt fall apart when you get them wet, and may very well kill you since they're made of second-hand razor blades.

But look at the bright side: one of these years we'll look back on 2008 as the good old days.

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