Who Needs X-tube When You've Got Couples Figure Skating?

You know, once upon a time a young boy could sit on the floor of his living room and stare wistfully up at the teevee as it broadcast for his enjoyment the wholesome entertainment bonanza known as couples figure skating—without it all devolving into a tawdry display of glitter, ladyparts, and Oral Sex on Ice.

What on earth has happened to this once-respectable competitive sport? I can tell you this: Jana Khokhlova and Sergei Novitski weren't engaged before their routine at the gala exhibition after the Cup of Russia figureskating ISU Grand Prix event in Moscow--but they certainly are engaged now. Engaged in a horrifying pornographic display of unwarranted and completely unnecessary moves that should never have been approved by the Figure Skating Federation (or whatever), like the Moscow Muff Dive and the St. Petersburg Spread.

What would Dorothy Hamill say?!