Happy Thanksgiving. Here's a Sex Tape

It's almost turkey day, and to celebrate, here's a video that offers definitive proof that advertising executives have better sex than the rest of us—better awkward, uncomfortable, after hours, on-the-floor, silent, mechanical sex. This is an "infamous advertising exec sex tape" that is making the rounds across the information superhighway.

My question is, whatever happened to the good old days when folks used to make a secret video of their bosses having sex and then use it for more noble purposes, like getting a shitload of cash or a promotion?

Easy Joke Dept: Ann Coulter's Mouth Wired Shut by Liberal Orthodontist

All the jokes that could be made about this have likely already been made at least five hundred times each, but whatever, I've got to document this. Aging right-wing show pony Ann Coulter recently broke her jaw (while talking, I presume) and as a result had to have her mouth wired shut. Is this just an elaborate rouse to get her name in the papers in advance of her new scholarly treatise about liberal faggots and the presidents they get elected, Guilty, coming out in January? Get all the pundits drunk off of too much schadenfreude and then kick them in the balls with all your footnotes come interview time? Pretty clever.

Thankfully, Ms. Coulter can still communicate using her neck (it can type!), so it's not a total loss.

Who Needs X-tube When You've Got Couples Figure Skating?

You know, once upon a time a young boy could sit on the floor of his living room and stare wistfully up at the teevee as it broadcast for his enjoyment the wholesome entertainment bonanza known as couples figure skating—without it all devolving into a tawdry display of glitter, ladyparts, and Oral Sex on Ice.

What on earth has happened to this once-respectable competitive sport? I can tell you this: Jana Khokhlova and Sergei Novitski weren't engaged before their routine at the gala exhibition after the Cup of Russia figureskating ISU Grand Prix event in Moscow--but they certainly are engaged now. Engaged in a horrifying pornographic display of unwarranted and completely unnecessary moves that should never have been approved by the Figure Skating Federation (or whatever), like the Moscow Muff Dive and the St. Petersburg Spread.

What would Dorothy Hamill say?!

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Daniel Radcliffe

Daniel Radcliffe, famous for portraying awkward teen wizard Harry Potter, is also currently playing a profoundly psychologically disturbed horse f**ker in the play Equus. (Okay, okay, his character isn’t really a horse f**ker; I just wanted to get the phrase horse f**ker into this post at least three times.)

Anyway, I saw the play last night and it was a nice, sexy (horses played by hot sinewy male dancers in metal horse heads and platform hooves!), disturbing night at the theater. And Master Radcliffe, after putting his clothes back on, was good enough to meet his public out in front of the Broadhurst after the show, at which point my camera phone, as ever, would not be denied.

Harry's Potter and the Play in Which You Can See It

Hello, trollops, here's your morning frantic penis video, pretty NSFW. It's naked Daniel Radcliff, aka Harry Potter, jumping around the stage totally buck ass naked in a scene from Equus which he is appearing in currently at NYC's Broadhurst Theater. Other good news: I'm going to see it tonight, yay! My friend Sarah went to see it a few weeks ago and said that little Harry was sporting a chub at one point. Well, she called it a "semi" but we all know the technical term is "chub."

See Tim Recommend: The American Family Association's Burning Christmas Cross

It's that time of year again, when we must prematurely celebrate the reason for the season, Santa Jesus, who died on the cross four score and seven years ago for the sins of many elves, some of whom were nasty gays. And what better way to celebrate this merriest of seasons than to twirl on down to the American Family Association's online store and purchase a burning Christmas cross for your front stoop? I mean, what, are you gonna let your neighbor pretend that he loves Santa Jesus more than you do?

There's just something so beautiful and timely about the availability of a "burning" Christmas cross from the AFA, at this defining moment. After all, the burning cross is a symbol of freedom, matches, and bountiful lighter fluid, three things that are in such short supply these days thanks to our new socialist (and black!) overlord.

Y'all, this cross is 5 feet tall, so what are you waiting for? America's front yards are not gonna set fire to themselves.

OH MY GOD WANDA SYKES IS GAY THIS IS SO AWESOME!!

Okay, so obviously I've moved directly from obsessing over Sarah Palin to obsessing over the gays, but I love Wanda Sykes so much and I can't express how happy I am that she's one of us. Am I late to this party? I had no idea before this whole Prop 8 thing. Jimmy and I were watching PBS last night because we were so freaking bored (and because we'd just seen on the 10 o'clock news that Rudy Giuliani might be running for governor of New York, so we had to change the channel quickly), and we saw this public service announcement-type thing she did to educate stupid teenagers about how they shouldn't use "gay" as a pejorative adjective.

Now, I have to be honest. I use the word "gay" as a pejorative adjective all the time, and, to tell you the truth, it doesn't really bother me when other people do it. But it probably would annoy me if a trio of smug teens did it, especially since the little statue they're talking about isn't even that gay. Not nearly as gay as being in a commercial on PBS. 

Anyway, I love it when cool, hilarious people end up being gay, and I can't remember the last time I was this excited to hear from a black lesbian. 

Marriage-minded Gays Make the Best Signs

Like thousands of other pissed off homos, I went to the Prop 8 protest in New York on Saturday. I've never really had a dog in the "gay marriage" race. It was never that important to me when I was younger, because I figured I would just screw hot guys for the rest of my life--you know, to make up for lost time. What did I want with marriage? Then I met Jimmy in my mid-20s and we've spent 11 years together living in sin (minus 2 years I spent in Tokyo)--longer by 9 years, mind you, than the majority of first marriages in the country.

And, you know, the longer Jimmy and I are together the more fed up I become with stupid breeders that cling to fictitious definitions of marriage and use them to keep couples like Jimmy and I--who have spent over a decade together with no fanfare and, more importantly, no freaking wedding gifts--second class citizens undeserving of the same rights given to knocked up Alaskan 17-year-olds and their retarded 17-year-old baby daddies. Even though we've never really seriously talked about getting hitched, the Prop 8 vote on November 4 and the experience of being at the rally on Saturday almost made me want to text Jimmy and ask him for his hand in fake gay marriage. He was not at the rally, sadly, because he had to work, and he wouldn't have gone anyway, because he's antisocial and hates crowds. But I think he would probably have said yes, if I mentioned all the gifts we'd get, and the possibility of health insurance for him. We really need a new toaster, and he really needs a physical exam.

But the real magic of the rally was, of course, the homemade signs, because gays are bitchy and, these days, pretty annoyed. Here are some pics I was able to get. Click to enlarge (tee-hee) and enjoy and OH MY GOD WANDA SYKES IS GAY??!!


"I Will Not Be Tolerated"




"Protect Marriage: Ban Divorce"


"Keep Your Church Out of My State"

Elton John Trains the Next Generation of Gays

Reactionary old pop queen Elton John is certainly doing his part to ensure that gays will make up at least 10 percent of future American populations with his relentless campaign to make Broadway—currently saddled with awful heterosexual/asexual productions like Spring Awakening, Jersey Boys, and Mary Poppins—more aggressively gay. He bombed a few years ago with his musical adaptation of Anne Rice’s Lestat novel, but not because it was too gay (which it probably was). In the words of a young female Broadway enthusiast who sat next to me last year at Grey Gardens and attended one of the very few performances of Lestat before it was mercifully withdrawn from public view and burnt at the stake, “It was so horrible I couldn’t stop laughing.”

Obviously I’m really sad I missed that, but wild gay horses couldn’t drag me to see John’s latest project, Billy Elliot, which just looks exhausting. The movie was cute, but a production full of young wide-eyed boys singing about wanting to dance sounds dangerously twee.

My advice for Elton John is this: honeybee, you’re working with material that is already as gay as the day is long. You need to challenge yourself. For your next musical, how about adapting, say, Triumph of the Will, All the President’s Men, or Gandhi? Stretch those gay muscles of yours.

Boiling Bunnies in Alaska with Greta Van Susteren

Everyone knows that Fox News’ Greta van Susteren is scary. She has a foreign-sounding name, is a socialist, and used to be best friends with William Ayers, to name just three things. But one thing we didn’t know about her is that she is also a Single White Female-like stalker.

Susteren recently followed Sarah Palin all the way up to Alaska, where she crashed on the Palins' couch for like 6 days, during which time she aggressively coveted Sarah’s family, her snow mobile, her spacious Alaskan kitchen, and her sweet, sweet moose cheeks. (She wants to get all up in them moose cheeks.) Van Susteren wistfully questioned Sarah about her cooking, her snow children, her feelings, and her clothes, all the while dying on the inside because she knew that she, Greta Van Susteren, wasn’t Sarah Palin, she never would be Sarah Palin, and no one will ever want to be her, Greta Van Susteren, as much as she, Greta Van Susteren, wants to be Sarah Palin. It’s all very painful to watch, so you should watch some of it on the youtube.


Greta (seated, front) looks exactly like Sarah Palin in this photo.

Judge Judy is Steady in a Crisis

Now that the election is over and our new biracial dictator is going door-to-door teaching sodomy to our nation's third graders, taking away our guns (and our freedom), and letting the terrorists win, we can finally get back to what is really important for bloggers: stupid video clips!

We all knew Judge Judy was tough. But, Jesus, she doesn't so much as flinch when her courtroom is rocked by a jolly California earthquake. (Well, ok, she does flinch a little, but it doesn't take her long to sit back down and corral folks back into their places.) She appears to just take it as a sign that, indeed, God also wants these dumb people to stop lying and start getting real, please.

And I love how the plaintiff is all like, "Uh, excuse me, where's everyone going? I don't have my money yet" and the defendant is all like, "shit, momma didn't tell me the meth would do this!"

"For the First Time in My Adult Life......"

Oh screw it, I'm not done talking about North Carolina yet. You know what? I've always been kind of proud to be from North Carolina. Not only do we have three distinct regions--the mountains, the piedmont, and the coast!--we also have a great cross section of the citizenry, from eggheaded elites to hillbilly hobos. Sure we gave the country (and the United Nations) crazy crackers like Jesse Helms, who served in the Senate for 153 years and got paid by the American people to hate black folks and be jowly. But we also gave the world Michael Jordan, James Taylor, David and Amy Sedaris, Dawson's Creek, and, you know, Superchunk. Oh! And the Squirrel Nut Zippers. (You remember them.)

We have proud traditions in North Carolina. We like our BBQ shredded and vinegary; our governors inoffensively Democratic; and our US Senators batshit crazy. (We also love ourselves some Merle Haggard with a side of hush puppies and slaw.) But honoring tradition is one thing; jumping off a sinking ship to save your life is another, and I’m so proud that my home state decided by a tiny little sliver of a margin that voting against Republicans was the only logical thing to do this year. My people sent a clear message to Washington: half of us may be retarded, but a hundredth of a percentage more of us ARE NOT, thank you very much, so get with it, flunkies!

Carolina Blue!

As a native North Carolinian, I am really enjoying drinking in the above electoral map. It's official now: NC went for Obama and, more hilariously, tossed Elizabeth Dole out of her Senate seat so she could spend more time with Jesus.

Pic of the Day

Yesterday was pretty special, there's no doubt. It's not everyday that I give 50 of my hard-earned pennies to evil newspaper magnate/cartoon character Rupert Murdoch and his New York Post, but I couldn't resist this cover. What's more, if I hadn't bought this paper and flipped through it I would have completely missed the most poignant headline I've read in some time:

CLUCKOLD'S 'SEXTORTION' - Heiress duped by chicken lips

Powerful.

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : 0

#$%#$%$#^

See Tim Endorse

The above picture is of the Domino Sugar refinery in Williamsburg, which usually says "SAVE DOMINO" in those electric red letters, but until after the election it's adjusted its message. And because I always take my cues from messages written on the side of buildings in giant letters (I can't tell you how many times I've been duped into buying a bunch of "HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW" or sitting through boring "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" sex shows), I am today encouraging you to vote for Obama. Do it. Please. I had a nightmare last night that McCain/Palin won and I woke up blind, having scratched my own eyes out. Do it for me.

Thanks.

Yay, Victoria!

Good God, Victoria Jackson, it's you on Fox News doing comedy again!

It's been way too long since we've heard your hilarious voice. That skit in the '80s where you used to jump on Dennis Miller's Weekend Update desk and scream "I wanna be a slut!"--so relatable. You were an idol to young gay men across this great nation who had the same goal. But after you left Saturday Night Live you just disappeared. No embarrassing sitcoms, no horrible movies, no nothing. You popped up in some spooky People magazine article a few years ago in which you talk about being a Jesus crispy, but that is not what your public wants from you. What do we want? More videos like the one above!

Fox News, please make Victoria Jackson a regular pundit. Pluck her from undeserved obscurity like she was the governor of Alaska and put her on a national stage where she can bring the crazy. She's read 1984! Twice! And she loves Jesus (and pills).