Sarah Palin Gives Me a Reason to Blog Again

Wow, guys, I haven't posted in over two months. How busy/lazy can one person be? The answer is: hella busy/lazy. (Are people still saying "hella"? Cause I'm not planning to stop.)

Anyhoo, the longer one goes without blogging, the easier it is for one to continue not blogging, until one hasn’t blogged in over two months and both of your readers are on 24-hour suicide watch. So it’s a good thing that dingbat Republican screecher Sarah Palin is back in the news, because, as we all know, all bloggers are legally obligated to blog about Our Lady Palin whenever she, say, emerges from her Facebook cave with a new nonsensical sermon about freedom and moose chili and how much the baby Jesus loves freedom and moose chili (and white people who are constantly having babies and getting divorced). We are also legally obligated to blog about famous idiots in the news, especially famous idiots who've just inked book deals, so ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, I’LL RESURRECT THE BLOG, JEEZ.

So, Sarah Palin, Alaska’s dumbest librarian, has just inked a new book deal—that is the big news of the day, because our world is sad. She’ll be typing out a manuscript on her iPhone (it will be mostly emoticons) called A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas, which will arrive in stores next November, just in time for the War on Christmas, yay! Of course, because this is a Palin book (probably copyedited by Bristol), it will be written at a second-grade level, so even though it’s not technically a kid’s book, functionally it most certainly will be. (And the children of U.S. America rejoice/roll their eyes.)

“But Tim,” I can hear you interjecting rudely. “Sarah Palin is yesterday’s news, isn’t she? A tired old troll. Worn out and used up. Who cares that she’s writing a book?” The answer is, of course, the Internet. The Internet cares. Also, anyone who’s been worried about how Sarah’s gonna keep her pantry stocked with bottomless supplies of Taco Bell and curly fries now that she’s no longer sucking on that bloated Fox News teat. A lady gotta make ends meet!

The obvious response to this from the famously liberal NYC publishing establishment would be for some enterprising pinko acquisitions editor somewhere in midtown or whatever to offer a book deal to Michelle Obama’s bangs, and to be quick about it. We’ll need that book in stores by November, because otherwise we’ll lose our f-ing minds.