When Will a Journamalist Ask Weight-Loss Expert Mike Huckabee Why He’s Not Skinny Anymore?

Ok, I’m not being mean here. I’m not. It’s fine that Mike Huckabee is once again a full-figured man. More than fine. I myself would probably be the same size if I weren’t gay (gay men can’t be fat or Anderson Cooper officially disinvites us from all his hot tub parties that we were never invited to) because my favorite food group is the fried one. But the thing is, back in 2007 Mike Huckabee wrote a book, see, about how he lost weight and how we all should, too, because we are a country of fat slobs, but he isn’t anymore, so book deal pls. Inspiring!

It’s great when people use their life experience to help others/generate selfless profit. (I myself have been unsuccessfully attempting the same maneuver.) But here’s the thing: is it not kind of irritating that this guy—who spends his days getting paid lots of money to behave like a school marm criticizing our culture for producing/tolerating evil pregnant Natalie Portman and electing a man to the presidency who had the unmitigated temerity to have a Kenyan father that was alive during the incredibly relevant Mau Mau Revolution—failed utterly at one thing that he once lectured us over in a 176-page book? Irritating? Kind of? Yes?

Because Mike Huckabee, as Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club might put it, is once again pushing maximum density. His face is now taking up pretty much the entire front cover of whatever dumb book he’s promoting now. The book is about small, simple government or some shit. So are we to expect that in a few years time Mike Huckabee will be abandoning this particular fight and giving out government checks at his Fox News studio to an audience of socialist welfare queens with Oscars for Best Actress?

The answer is chicken. Fried chicken.

And biscuits.