Thursday, January 21, 2010

Trucks Will Save Our Democracy

With all the Democratic hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing over Republican pin-up Scott Brown’s win in the Massachusetts Senate race, I think we have lost sight of something incredibly important for our democracy that Brown’s victory brings to American politics: he drives a truck. This cannot be overemphasized. Indeed, these were the first words out of his mouth in his campaign commercials, because he is wise and knows that the electorate is reductive and desperate: “My name is Scott Brown and I drive a truck.” You’re hired!

I mean, he drives a truck, you guys. Martha Coakley doesn’t. That’s just a fact, elitists. (Sure, it's the least of her sins, but whatever, she obviously isn't ready for higher office like Sarah Palin is.) Imagine the damage she could do in Washington with her single engine car. She’s probably never even popped a hood. And if she did, she'd probably try to use a curling iron! Scott Brown has no doubt popped dozens of hoods. Dozens of hot, young, tight hoods. (His daughters probably have, too.)

Yes, it’s amazing our nation’s capital has survived as long as it has without more GM truck drivers at the controls. They are inherently qualified, just like my brother is, to run the country. (I was once just as qualified, but only to be prime minister of Japan--I drove a red Nissan pickup during the 90s.) Luckily we are blessed with politicians and a voting public who understand which issues really matter during these times when our public morale, infrastructure, trust in governmental competence, and individual sense of entitlement are under constant siege. On top of that list of issues? Trucks!

Number 2 is Truck Nutz, obvs.

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