Balderdash Report

Like all Americans, I spent my Thanksgiving crippling myself with turkey, carbs, and vodka/diet cherry 7ups. Also, I played Balderdash with friends. For the uninitiated, Balderdash is a game where you must write a fake definition to a real word and fool your fellow players into thinking it's the correct definition. My boyfriend Jimmy is really good at this game, as you can see from the definition of furfur he provided above. Believe it or not, furfur does not mean "with furvor [sic] but more." It is "an epidermal scale, as that associated with dandruff." But I'm going to start using it to mean "with furvor [sic] but more" regardless.

Next up, the word hawhdah. What do you think this means? If you guessed this thing that Jimmy wrote, you are wrong!



I don't remember what hawhdah actually means and can't find it on the Google machine, but use it in a sentence anyway!

Attention Christmas Shoppers

Dearest readers:

Do you happen to know what would make the perfect gift for the pole dancer, parole officer, dognapper, preacher, teabagger, go-go boy, cat lady, or ex-stepmother in your life? I do: My book! Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries is available on Amazon, and if you act now a book will be delivered to the recipient of your choice via the U.S. mail. You don't see offers like this every day! So head on over to Amazon and clickety click!

Happy Sarah Palin Day!

Once again, real Americans get to roll around all day in a shit puddle of happiness because it's officially Sarah Palin book release day, yay! I posted the above video promo a few months ago and got zero respect for it by the lamestream media/random blog commenters, which is unfair because it's terrible! Anyway, to celebrate the further decline of American letters, I offer it unto you again. Enjoy it now, because when Sarah becomes president you'll only be able to watch videos like these via Taiwanese animation.

Karaoke is Dangerous

Sometimes you find yourself hanging out with your friends who will be leaving New York soon, getting some dinner and then going to see a few bands, all the while getting spectacularly wasted. So far so good. But then, then you go get a private room at Sing Sing Karaoke on St. Marks Place, a place that is hella busted, and things take a turn towards danger, or as they say in Japanese, "Sing Singのカラオケはすごいあぶないだよね!"

The danger is this: someone will take your awesomely dependable Droid phone. Yes, after you've spent the evening taking pictures/video of your friends swappin' slop with their lovahs, dancing epileptically to the live music, skinning their knees trying to get into cabs, and then singing "Magic" by Olivia Newton-John relentlessly into the microphone long after the actual song has finished—someone will crash your party and kidnap your phone for selfish, probably disgusting reasons that don't bear thinking about.

Then when you get all the way home to Brooklyn at 3 in the morning and discover you don't have your phone and you use Jimmy's phone to call Sing Sing to ask that they check the room you were in, the criminally unhelpful lady on the phone will tell you that she can't disturb the party that is currently in the room. Now, on the one hand, you understand this uniquely Japanese policy, because karaoke makes people mean and violent. But on the other hand, WTF, asshole, go get my phone from those thieves!

There is a lesson to be learned from this. The lesson is not "Don't get wasted and then expect to be able to keep track of your phone as you take it in and out of your jacket pocket to take dumb photos/video." The lesson is "If you do all that, don't go to Sing Sing Karaoke."

Lesson learned.

Alluring Local News Screen Grab of the Day

You don't even need to see this local news story from the swamp somewhere. It's all there in the screen grab. The only possible thing that could make this better would be if this screen grab could talk and you could hear this adorable man warble his story. I'm glad his beard is growing back.

Big Jesus News: Statue Completed in Swiebodzin, Poland

Magnificent news out of Poland, folks. (Wow, when was the last time I typed that?) Construction on a new ginormous Jesus statue is complete and, in terms of sheer size (which is all that matters), it beats the holy flippin' bejezus out of the breathtaking Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio. (Which I still haven't seen.) So the question becomes: when are Jimmy and I booking our flight to Swiebodzin? The answer is: gimme some money, Obama, so I can go to Poland.

The good Swiebodzin people are hoping that this new statue will be a draw for Jesus-loving tourists the world over and a new site for Christian pilgrimage, like Paula Dean's restaurant in Savannah or Sarah Palin's swimmin' hole in Wasilla. And why shouldn't it? This Jesus has a golden crown, bitches, just like in the Bible. (It's the crown that makes this Jesus the largest in the world.) In addition, he's handsome and so, so white--also just like in the Bible. Look at that bone structure.

But the key question now is this: are we allowed to go up and inside the Jesus head? This is important, because if not I'll bring my pogo stick and a little parachute with me.

Important Book Marketing News: Tune in Tokyo Bookmarks A Go-Go

Everyone knows that any author who has self-published a book, even if that book is stupidly award-worthy like mine, faces an uphill struggle in the fight for visibility in the marketplace. People just don't care about your dumb project! That's why it's the author's job to make them care. Force them to care. Dare them to care. If you are successful at this then you will have a world full of people wondering what life was like before they cared about the book you wrote. And the best way to be successful at this is obvious: bookmarks.

People love bookmarks because they can be used for many things: picking your teeth, cleaning your fingernails, scratching your upper back, dusting the dandruff out of your hair. But did you know they can also be used to mark your place in a book so that you can go back to that place easily the next time you are on the toilet? It's true. So the good news for you is that I now have Tune in Tokyo bookmarks available. The first 10 people to email me and ask for one will get one. Just email me and tell me Tune in Tokyo is the book that made you want to be a dancer, and I'll send you several! Because you deserve at least that many.

Cage Matches I'd Like to See

Jimmy and Tim discuss the issues of our times:

Tim: You know what I'd like to see? A Michelle Obama-Sarah Palin cage match.
Jimmy: That'd be good.
Tim: Totally. Poor Michelle sure deserves one.
Jimmy: Except Sarah Palin would win.
Tim: Nu-uh. Michelle would sling Sarah's ass all over the damn place. She's from the south side of Chicago! And Sarah called her husband a terrorist!
Jimmy: Doesn't matter. Michelle's not inherently evil and crazy like Sarah Palin. So Sarah will win.
Tim: Interesting world view.
Jimmy: Sad but true.
Tim: Is it wrong that I really want Michelle to tear Sarah's face off and feed it to Bo the dog?
Jimmy: I'd rather see Sasha and Malia do that.