Friday, February 26, 2010
Tim and Jimmy on the phone, 2:20 p.m.:
Tim: So you made it into work ok.
T: I had horrible visions of you slipping on the step and cracking your head open. Would have been a real shame since we just cut your hair this morning.
J: Yeah, all that blood.
T: You should see the courtyard here. It’s beautiful.
J: Any blood?
T: No, just snow.
T: Not impressed?
J: I’m bored of snow.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The world is a little less hilarious today with the resignation of Meg Stapleton, senior aide to and spokesperson for Wasilla drag queen/former VP candidate Sarah Palin. Stapleton-Palin, as you know, have had a great run as the Laurel and Hardy of national political comedy since August of 2008. It pains me to see the dynamic duo separate.
Let's take a moment to reflect upon Stapleton—who proclaimed on the eve of her boss's July resignation that "the world is literally her oyster"—and her long, distinguished career of platitudinous nonsense, such as this nugget about Palin from a May 2009 radio interview with some guy named Eddie Burke:
It’s always Alaska with her. It just doesn’t matter who the audience is, it is come visit Alaska, let me tell you about Alaska, do you know what we need in Alaska, can I talk to you about what our future is, it is always Alaska in her heart.
And because Meg Stapleton is always lying, let's just assume that Sarah Palin will be pulling up stakes and moving to Hollywood within the next month, never to return to Alaska again except to collect Levi's child support payments for her daughter.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I. Am. Sizzling. And believe it or not I slept like a rock.
You know, having all of these wires connected to my face, head, legs, torso, and abdomen—about an hour's worth of work for a poor technician named Pedro—really reminded me of the months I spent portraying Freidrich von Trapp in The Sound of Music at Raleigh Inn Dinner Theater in 1984 and the pre-performance ritual I would go through before going on stage to deliver unto the unwashed suburban masses of 1980s North Raleigh an immaculate performance of such crowd-pleasers as "Doe, a Deer," "Edelweiss," and "So Long, Farewell" (yes, I did the high note).
I would sit before the vanity mirror in the dressing room I shared with the hot guy who played Rolf and the guy who played the butler and have layer upon layer of eyeliner, mascara, base, rouge, and teeth whitener applied to my thirteen-year-old face by Mother Abbess, who for some reason was assigned as my makeup artist. Not because I really wanted all that stuff on my face or because the role demanded it but because the actress who played Mother Abbess in our production was a big old lesbian who wasn't very good with the cosmetics. She just didn't know when to quit. So I always went out on stage looking like a drag queen and feeling as happy and self-confident as I do in the above picture. But at least I got paid $8 per performance. My co-pay for this sleep study was $40.
Thankfully, Pedro knew what he was doing and did an expert job of keeping all of those wires straight. When he came in and woke me up at 5:45 AM on Saturday morning and asked me how I slept, I said "really well, actually." He nodded vigorously and said "yes you did!" He also said that my test was "really good." All of this means that he and his co-worker were definitely watching me on the closed circuit TV all night, eating popcorn, and laughing their butts off at my terrible snoring.
Overall, the experience was weird, but fine. Sadly, there was only one channel on the TV in my bedroom. Good thing I like Olympic Ice Dancing.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Ok, maybe not, but I AM participating in what is known as a "sleep study" at what is called a "sleep laboratory" in a so-called "sleep disorders clinic" on the alleged Upper East Side tonight, at which I'll have a bunch of "sleep adhesive tape" and "sleep wax paste" affixed and/or splattered all over my hairless, nubile upper body so I can hopefully have my chronic and awful snoring diagnosed as Terrible Life-Threatening Buzzsaw-of-the-Nose Disorder and get some surgery to save my gay marriage. Memory erasement could happen, though, if this were a movie scene, which it will be because I've requested that Sandra Bullock be my technician.
All this is to say that I may soon have to wear one of those horrid CPAP masks (see uber-blogger Andrew Sullivan wearing his on CNN above) in order to be able to STFU during dreamtime if these medical folks aren't able to help me surgically. Why hasn't Obama fixed my snoring yet?!
So, just to be clear: we can send a man (even a woman!) into space but we can't engineer a sleep mask that doesn't make the wearer look like a submersible serial killer cephalopod?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Is Featuring Characters with Down syndrome on TV Now a Swipe at Trig Palin? [UPDATED THIS IS AWESOME OH MY GOD]
Can someone please please PLEASE tell me what was so offensive about the Family Guy Down syndrome joke the other night? I mean besides it being lame. How exactly was it offensive to Sarah 'n Bristol 'n Trig 'n Todd 'n Wasilla? Huh? Really, I want to know! I'm not defending the joke. How can I? I don't really understand what it was.
Here's the scenario, in case you live in an Alaskan cave: The blonde teen boy voiced by Seth Green on the show goes out to dinner with a girl in his high school who has Down syndrome. He asks her what her parents do. She says her father does something and that her mother is the former governor of Alaska. That's it! That's the offense. Question mark?
I mean, this character was actually pretty cool. She was headstrong, kinda bitchy, and didn't put up with any shit. She also had Down syndrome. Besides the lame Palin joke there was absolutely NOTHING that was offensive about her. So is the offense that she was depicted on teevee in the first place? That she behaved like a normal bitchy teenager? Tell me, dear readers, I want to know.
This whole controversy is fucking retarded. Palin, please log off.
OMG Andrea Fay Friedman—the best, most gifted actress in the entire f*king universe—has responded to Palin with the sweetest burn ever and you MUST read it it is awesome!!! She has Down syndrome and the most kick-ass sense of humor baby Jesus ever created.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
God bless the Associated Press caption writers. Sometimes they are understandably confused.
As an important power player in the New York publishing world, I obviously receive the AP's daily email blasts of notable photos that I should know about and perhaps bring up in strategy meetings (catered by Dunkin Donuts and sadness). Not any old person can gain access to these precious images. You have to sign up and create a password!
Anyway, I received the above image of Madonna and boytoy Jesus in my inbox this morning along with a caption that gave voice to an unresolved issue in 21st-century Madonna-ology. It's clear that the overworked monkeys in the AP caption-writing salon have one thing in common with all of us human primates: we just aren't clear on what gender classification to give Madge these days. As Liz Lemon says, Madonna's arms are crazy! She's more man than my boyfriend Jimmy is, and I don't think he would dispute that. (I would let him speak for himself but he's at the beauty parlor getting a weave.) This is why you end up with AP captions like this:
I just can't believe that the Associated Press is suggesting that our Lord Jesus is a gay trannie lover. Sarah Palin's Facebook response in 4, 3, 2, ...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
So! I went to the Jimmy Fallon program at Rockefeller Center with my other boyfriend Alex and his wife Asia yesterday and managed to get myself on camera, yay! We actually had seats that didn't lend themselves to getting us on camera, so sadly Asia and Alex were rarely seen, but I was seen a few times, because I'm gay, and the teevee cameras love the gays.
The guests were legendary talk show host Dick Cavett, Project Runway season 4 winner Christian Siriano, and awesome Brooklyn band Yeasayer. You know what's funny 'n ironic? Well, remember my post from a few days ago in which I talked a bunch of smack about the word "fierce" and the people that use it? Well, Christian Siriano is the gayboy who basically mainstreamed the term, alongside "hot mess," and "hot tranny mess." I felt like I was being mocked by NBC, Jimmy Fallon's bookers, and fashion. (Then again, I always feel like I'm being mocked by fashion.)
My favorite moment of the entire show came during Christian's interview when they were talking about his catchphrases and Dick Cavett asked him if he was the one who came up with "dont look so schmucky." In response Christian says, "n-no. That wasn't me. That was Tyra."
Anyway, strain your eyes looking for me in the video clips below. I'm one of the the disembodied heads on the right.
UPDATE WITH HOT PICS
Sexsee Jimmy Fallon wrist band trannie hot mess
I pledge allegiance to Christian Siriano
Monday, February 8, 2010
Has there ever been a word or phrase that, whenever it is uttered by some careless human somewhere (usually, but not always, by Sarah Palin), makes you want to vomit bloody rockets? Like, I don't know, "you betcha" or "nucular" or "supermajority"? Well, there are few words in the English language that set my teeth on edge more furiously than the word "fierce." This word is worse than cholera ever was. It's worse than dudes who put their hair up in a bun. And it's exponentially worse than the word "fabulous."
This word is beloved not by tedious posable Republican sex dolls, but rather by tedious posable gaywads across this great land of ours (and on the Bravo channel). And if there exists something more irritating than the use of this lisp-tastic verbiage (as Sarah Palin might call it) as a default way of describing something, it is the types of dreary items it is used to describe: a hairstyle; a shade of eye shadow; a belt buckle; a piece of fabric; a bracelet; a (usually stupid) song.
The only way I could hate this word more is if Sarah Palin used it at the teabagging orgy last weekend to describe Rush Limbaugh.
Anyway, I was hoping that this terrible word was gone from our lives, that it had played itself out in the arena of idiotic pop culture and had been mercifully laid to rest. Sure, after a few years maybe it would reemerge once again and be uttered drunkenly with wistful nostalgia at parties, like the lyrics to "I Will Survive" or "Oh Sherry." But I clung to the hope that it was gone from the here and now. Hell, even 30 Rock did a joke a few weeks ago about the word being well and truly 2006.
Alas, it was not to be. You see, I bought an awesome pair of shiny black gym shoes the other day at Shoe Mania in Union Square. (Bear with me.) They were sure sexy. And comfortable! It was an unusually successful purchase for me, and I wore them to the gym the next day well aware that the other boys would be absolutely sick with jealousy, this time not simply over my pecs and smooth, hairless legs, but over those things AND my shoes.
When I got home from shopping, I got out the box they came in to show Jimmy.
"So, you got some fierce shoes," he said, laughing at and judging me.
I promptly gave him the stink eye. (I may even have given him the stank eye.)
"It says right there on the box," he said, pointing to the shoe box I was cradling in my arms.
And that's when my world collapsed. Right there, on the box, printed clearly for all the world to see, was that f**king word.
So it's official. I'm gayer than I ever imagined was possible. I have [cringe, shudder] fierce [little vomit] gym shoes.
I prefer, though, to think of them as ferocious.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I'm assuming this SNL sketch is web only. It's also, presumably, fictional, which is a shame because damn if these points don't need to be made, out loud, with a bullhorn, using exactly this phraseology, and the folks they are directed to (progressive Democrats, Trig Palin's Mother) forced to listen to them, in stereo, in a pitch-black, strobe-light-infused padded listening chamber of death.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Surely everyone now has seen the hilarious/terrifying attack ad made by the Carly Fiorina campaign--for a U.S. Senate seat--that suggests that her Republican primary opponent for the California seat is a demon sheep who will eat your face. If you haven't, watch it now and get ready for a month of sleepless nights and/or terrible nightmares.
You will never recover from this.
(hat tip to Wonkette commenter John G. for the GIF)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Poor Trig. His mother's not getting enough attention this week. Maybe she needs a bottle?
As you have probably heard, Trig Palin's mother, who used to be a governor or something and who now does Facebook posts for a living, recently did a Facebook post calling on President Obama to fire his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel because Rahm--our favorite potty-mouthed silver fox at the White House--called liberals who are determined to primary Blue Dog Democrats "fucking retarded." Momma is outraged that Rahm would utter such a deliberate slur against her son.
Now, Trig Palin's mother's son Trig has Downs Syndrome and, bless his heart, now he has to go through the indignity of seeing his own mother make a comparison between Rahm's put-down and his good self. But why does she automatically think that the metaphorical use of the word "retarded" to describe Democrats has anything to do with her son? She must think he's a retard. (Or a Democrat?)
Rahm has now apologized for the comment, but Trig's mother ain't done. In her next Facebook post, which will be typed by Willow once she sobers up, Trig Palin's mother will demand that David Axelrod resign as chief advisor because of that time in high school when he called a girl a slut, which is obviously a dig at her daughter Bristol.